and we lose the option of sleeping four hours, most likely, as the entries for the day of the date (it's no secret, really) and the time of year... we have come a long way from woodstock, even from woodstock two, or three, for that matter and the fact is nobody knows... unless you want to... so perhaps i can close my eyes and sleep now...
no coincidence, aye?...
nite nite :)
like nobody really gets me, or cares to, and that is such a very lonely feeling when i want to share... it could be that i am into too many things for anyone to actually share all the things i am into and in trying to find people who share all the things i like to share i do no spend enougyh time/energy with any one person to deveop a truly deep bond - or maybe i am deeper than everybody else (or maybe that's just ego or self-pity) - or maybe it's true... i welcome someone to help find the truth (cuz this sort of thing, assessing the nature of sharing and hy i do not share as much as i want to when i can share everything so easily, takes two, i mean, other opinions can help, but at least one other person who realluy takes the time to know me is kind of necessary or it's all just propositions in my head, cha know?)...
see, thereal is usually surface thoughts and simple reports of everyday events, but there is a deeper thereal too and this entry touches on it... sometimes i want to be in love again... used to be i wanted that all the time and it dominated my motives and thoughts and actions and that got me quite used and abused because i could freely give everything and others do not seem to do that as easily as i do... it's not an all the time want anymore, at least not on the conscious level... but in these moments when i feeling like sharing everything unconditionally trusting and loving, i really want to be in love...
i welcome someone to share that too :)
relaxing day, walked and ran with happiness, ate baked clams, nodded off during really bad sci-fi movies, babbled, and filled out 93% of an eharmony profile cuz it's free this weekend... meanwhile, they only found seven "matches" for me in the entire world and only one lives within 100 miles... they won't allow a free trial to see photos, so it's pretty much a waste of time as i am not approaching anyone on a dating site without seeing their face... if someone contacts me, i'll respond, but i'm not re-locating or looking for a long distance relationship so, it was something to do... i did get an interesting report from all the profile information that i'll put up somewhere for you to read... somewhere like here...
later :)
yeah, a harry chapin song comes to mind and i've been off in my own little world (mind) but this time i might remember a bit more than last time cuz i recall downloading and uploading dozens of videos to the pop news blog that i know everyone just loves to enjoy...
someday :)
it's good to be delusional, as long as the delusions are hurting or condemning anyone, ya know... so otherwise, jackson is off to chicago and it's just me and happiness for the next week or so and i head back to work tomorrow (alas) and i shall find a way to carry the wonderful remembering to explore my own head back with me into the mad mad mad mad (etc) world...
hope you've been great (and now too :)
since an all-nighter was so refreshing... from the depths of the buried treasures (and the sadness that they were buried so long and still remain mostly buried, but at least remembered to the euphoria of remembering) to the pleasures of the momentary experiences of letting music envelope me almost as it once did (shhh, we do not need to notice the almost at the moment :)
the past six or seven thereal entries (and dozens of others, some linked, some not) tell a story of a life, a week, an eternity... and while you had to be here to begin to understand, perhaps you will care to want to know one day and in that wanting, the story of a life continues...
till tomorrow :)
just how much is in my head, how much more i can create and how much creativity beyond the daily challenges of work and play, the words and music expressing emotion and epotion and devotion and awareness and enlightened thought and new ideas and love in so many ways inspires me and fulfills me and empowers me and then, i wonder... how can i forget how powerful singing is for me... that loss is the single greatest loss i've experienced in this life and how i could have given it away, allowed myself to forget, i'll never fully grasp... and how did it take me so long to remember the music of my own heart... it doesn't get much more real than this...
so with minimal fanfare, hardly a notice, but with seriously wonderful chills down the spine... a new blog is born tonight...
omigosh... not the sudden blurted out omigosh as one syllable, but the oh-my-gosh of wonderfully wonder-fulled wondrous memory re-incarnating feeling so purely sweetly beautiful that there are no words... of course music bring me here again... tonight, the music of jay & the americans and many other related songs found on youtube... righteous brothers, moody blues, association, elvis, four seasons, lettermen, and so many others... so i've got hundreds of vids to download queued up when i finally stop listening as the library grows... oh yeah, really, all i can do is smile :)
music (and lyrics) makes thereal the best place to be :)
the list, that is... yes, it's a look around thereal in thereal, this blog page, that is, and we find that the section on the right entitled come a little bit closer just like the old song by jay and the americans (oh go listen, you know you want to) or even this guy, but that's only a deeper reference to the concept of the section and all i am trying to point out (oh really, all?... even gilligan knows better, nyuk and all... oh really?) is that the array of linked pages to choose from (or to wander in order listed) to get to know me better (i.e. come a little bit closer, get it?) is growing to stretch well below the length of the page (being the left side entry length of which i refer to, ya see) and that, my friends, just may be the epitome of defeating the purpose of the brevity upon which this blog was founded...
it is becoming apparently obvious that the babblers have been neglected too long... and that is thereal too...
life has been presenting a series of lemons of late and sometimes, i tired of making lemonade, no matter how sweet it comes out... and while i can continue to find humor in everything, i also tire of having to look for it or create it, i mean, sometimes i just want the sweet humor to just be, ya know?...
challenges at work from a director who refuses to cooperate with the program (she's got a goal to be less oppositional, but she's very passive aggressive so she is only succeeding on the surface)... unfortunately, most people are professionally superficial there, so... challenges continue...
challenges at softball from the male egos who do not team well...
from drama queens who do not team well... from professionals who are fun, but too busy to team well... ah, grown ups just don't team well... that's why there are so few really good teams... lots of talent, but few teams...
challenges at the social community from the human race into which i have never comfortable assimilated... some of the reasons are above, but mostly, the reasons are beyond explanation in common language, incomprehensible and all that... kind of like god...
ah, in the end, challenges are so amusing (if you see things through my eyes)... so i'll just mosey on off as i do every day (and night), singing softly to myself, whatever i am doing, and laughing at the futility of the challenges... while i may tire of doing it, i still prefer sweet humor to sour or bitter or frustrating challenges, so i'd rather be tired and happy than not tired and sour or bitter or frustrated... so never mind, aye?...
hope your day was amusing too :)
not out of town, just caught up in the hyper-busy work that multiple investigations creates... my job is primarily twofold... daily performance improvement monitoring, data collection, processing, and analysis that becomes weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual reports... and daily incident and seclusion/restraint reviews to ensure policies are being followed to reduce risk as much as possible... there is not enough time for one person to do it all without working at it more than eight hours a day at least five days a week and that means no days off... each monday there is three days to caught up on... a holiday, a vacation day, a sick day, creates more days to catch up on and there is no one else to do my job when i am not there...
and then there are the things that go wrong that need investigating, extra time and energy to interview, to review video, to meet with external investigators and regulatory agency surveyors to find out what went wrong, if anything we did was wrong, then take action to correct it and ensure it does not happen again... a single investigation can take two days or more, easily, two days or more in which none of the regular work can be done, so two or more days that have to be made up with extra hours... the past two weeks i had seven investigations to juggle and somehow get done along with the daily work... and two of the past three weekends i also was on call, so had extra work on four out of six of the past saturdays and sundays...
and as if that is not enough, a fourth aspect of my job takes even more time... whatever a surveyor arrives, it is my responsibility to provide them with everything they need and that usually means giving them the majority of my time on days they are there and then the majority of the day after they leave producing a report on their findings and an action plan to fix anything they found wrong... since march 1st i've had three full days of surveyors in two separate visits, meaning five days of work for surveys... it is march 21st and so far, there have been 15 working days in the month... four of the six weekend days have been work days as well, so only two weekend days allowed for any catch up... five days of surveys and ten days of investigations and that leaves most of fifteen days of normal work that would require 9-10 hour work days not done...
not enough of a challenge, it only gets more challenging... surveyors are expected for seven of the remaining eight work days of this month... somehow, the full month of daily work must get done as well...
and more... i took two of the fifteen workings days off just to recover and work from home because i can get moe done at home... catch up?... simply does not happen... so i throw skip some reports and throw reports together based skimming data and intuitive analysis, not scientific method simply because there is no time to perform the tasks required for scientific method...
and more... we do not factor in any of the routine filing and physical organizational work required to maintain some semblance of funtional order to the massive volumes of documents that pass through my hands every day... a full 40 hour week of creating file folders and reviewing and filing paper would catch that proces up, if there was only time... this is the real of work life for the moment...
and to survive, if find mental escape in games i enjoy, sometimes with friends, sometimes by myself... and also in audio-visual stimuli, stories brief as songs and long as movies and multi-part tv series... and in writing, though the past two weeks there's been much less time for writing because i needed to escape into external distractions to relieve the internal pressure in the brain... too much thinking, too much stress, doing hundreds of hours of work in a quarter of the time requires intensity that hurts the brain and to heal, escape into other thought processes works for me... a strategy game based on numbers... and sci-fi tv shows that let me leave the normalcy of human life as it is today to imagine a different world, way, and perspective...
i miss you when i am gone, even if you rarely acknowledge you are here... i miss the illusion of sharing, caring, and not being alone... but healing is a solitary process, so i have been away... i am not quite back... i have much more catching up to do at work, much more pressure to put on this brain, and therefore more escape time away from daily babbling as well... but there must be time for babbling... and then, there is the profound desire to continue the sharing in the myriad of other blogs underway... forty four blogs at blogspot alone and then, another half dozen reconnecting me with toronto (have i mentioned the connection has returned as strong as it ever was?... some would call me insane, but then, i am when compared to what humans call normal... it is the right thing to do right now)... all i need is about twice as much time as i get in each day...
and then, as if all that was not enough, there is the long term sleep deprivation taking it's toll in the erosion of this body and brain cells... here i am gathering my wits to explain to myself and to you where i have been and what my mind and body must fit into this life (and we have not included any social life, which does happen too) so i can make some sense of it and perhaps find more efficient use of the time...
fatigue... survival... and all i can hope is you do not feel too slighted by the limited time i can share with you here and in other places... i wish we could share more... i crave more personal and more intimate sharing... i must find ways to work fewer hours, as impossible as that sounds... i must find a way to take at least a week off giving ass little of the nine days in a row to work... i must find a way to fit in more regular exercise and more sleep (softball at 8:30 tomorrow, less than four hours away, and then a game at 11am and another game at 4:30pm and i am on call so i may have to run into work between games or after the last game, maybe a late night at work to start another long work week)... i must find a way to make time to find intimacy and fall in love again... if i do not do these things, i will risk burn out, illness, death, and definitely not be fully satisfied with life, even as i enjoy it immensely from moment to moment...
so there is a summary of life as i know it in e-the-real today...
how's yours? :)
welcome back my friends to the show that never ends and the babbler will continue in another space and time, but for now i simply say to as one who rarely pretends, the can find the answers not in the wind, but in the rhyme...
so as has been the pattern every few years, i find myself corresponding with toronto once again today... a dozen different messages back and forth, or more, and for the first time in ten years, to more than one of the family up there... it is a facebook xmas miracle, no doubt, and there are two more responses to go...
so that's where i've been, i mean, in case you were checking here and there and noticed my absence... someday we will all understand :)
referencing the previous title (not necessarily the entry though) that sleep is good cuz just look over on the right and see the newest feature i tried out here in this blog, a poll... i am still deciding if multiple answers are allowed and how long the poll will stay open and whether it will stay in the side bar (cuz the side bar is way too long for a this blog) but decisions decisions can wait until they are made, for now, there's a new feature, a poll...
i expect nobody to use it because i suspect nobody reads this regularly and this entry announcing it will blink into the archive any moment now and i believe most entries here are never read by human eyes, but hey, that is the real, diggidy? (as in, get it>?, however updated and expanded for the new millenium with a little help from a cartoon friend and the writers and Seth, who is as constant an influence in this life as any of the other hundred fifty or so constant influences who'v invaded my brain (with and without unilateral permission... is unilateral the right word there?... someday this, and millions of other rhetorical, semi-rhetorical, quasi-rhetorical, and actual real questions will be answers, but for now, there's a poll!... diggidy?)...
all this cuz i got a reasonably decent night of sleep?... i did wake at the four hours marks and when the phone rang, which was a lot this morning, but still, sleep has not had the positive effect it used to have for the last year or so and i was concerned that the over-tired effect of long-term sleep-deprivation (and overuse of hyphens) may have degenerated the brain cells to the point where they will not regenerate fully ever again, or at least not until several days/weeks/months/years or whatever period of time required is taken/given to sleep in heavenly sleep for as long as necessary to rejuvenate (or regenerate, i believe i mean regenerate cuz i'm not sure rejuvenate is actually possible, but that will require experimentation and more, precise discussion and agreement of definitions, to be decided at a later date)...
stop babbling here now!
ah, the dog is missed, happy dog, that is... the only one who ever offered me truly unconditional love, as primitive as it might have been... perhaps that's the secret of actualizing unconditional love, letting it come from the primitive instinctive depths of the brain...
home after the party where we chatted, watched some football, chatted some more, and ate like pigs... i picked up a ton of food and there wee lots of leftovers... i sad no to a half dozen other parties, much wilder, much bigger parties, but it was good to hang peacefully at jackson's cuz i'd have tried to stay home if and take care of me if she didn't invite me over... i might as well face it, i don't give myself nearly enough me time... even when it seem to, i'm mostly distracting myself and not really taking care of me... but hey, that's just the early morning hours of a new year after a party talking, right?...
so maybe this will be the year i finally return to the place i belong, inside and out, and find the one and start living that happily ever after togetherness that i've been dreaming about beneath the seriously irreverent self-mocking carefree demeanor... or something like that...
happy new year :)
yup, in just a few hours i'll be trying to stay awake at the computer and trying to concentrate on whatever work i decide to do today and while i've got nobody standing over me telling me what to do and pretty much complete autonomy over my daily activities and workload, there's still a lot of information to process and provide to a lot of others and skipping all these days it going to make january an insane month for putting it all together...
yet sleep does not call me at night as often as it calls me during the day... the quiet darkness of night calls me to explore and wrute and listen and sing and let my imagination dance... i remember when the night called fo making love as well, but people seem to get less and less nocturnal as they age... conformity destroys so much potential and wonder... still, i continue hoping for the magical balance of sharing to return and until then, i enjoy it all by myself...
hope your day sparkles :)
been all over the place, watching videos, reading heavy stuff, laughing at nonsense and irreverence, sighing deeply at tragedy and cruelty and human stupidity, and generally enjoying my brain a whole lot... some of the journey is even linked around in my increasingly daily diverse dribbling diatribes around the web... ya see?...
that's my e-the-real, how's yours? :)
or was that 200 blogs?...
softball in about seven six hours, so maybe i'll get four hours sleep, sweet four hours, but if there was only 42 hours in a day i might get eight hours a day, maybe, and feel more refreshed and all..
maybe it's time to buy the netbook so i can tap the keys in more places, especially in bed...
wherever i might lay my head...
i wonder what would have happened if he had lived... harry chapin, i mean... and the question can be asked about john lennon and many others, but this is the day after the nineteenth passing of the date harry died, so the query is more about harry than anybody else...
i wonder what would have happened to this world...
