cuz there's a day

and a night, of course, cuz they do usually go together, but cuz there's a day in here somewhere, here is another entry...

i am burnt, physically and mentally, though emotionally and spiritually i am just tired due to the overall lack of sense and depth and self-sufficiency in humans in this world which keeps the ethereal (emotional and spiritual, and psychic and intangibles, for that matter) flowing outward as i am a positive in a very negative world, but physically and mentally i am burnt as i am months behind on sleep and years behind on meditative focus to the point that my eyes do not remember (or is that my mind first) a time of pure clarity where the sleepy moisture does no cloud focus (and the eye-aging is real as well, but physical and mental fatigue makes it impossible to tell the difference for the moment and every moment i can remember for months, at least)...

but cuz there's a day, i return here to record the words that present the experience that happened on this day so i can remember if i ever find time to read back and so we can share it, in mean, just in case you wanted to know...

cuz there's a day,
i say YAY! :)

i hope your day was fantastic, and night even better :)

not just every day

but many times a day... that was the pattern here until whenever it stopped and now, the babbler sneaks in to fill the gaps and infect this space with the irreverent humours of the depths of distractions that maintain vigil within the brain between my eays and somehow, keep me balanced like some sick gyroscope that taunts but never fails to keep me going...

at least until the body dies, aye?...

to rest or not to

the oven was beeping when i woke from my momentary nod and i should have just turned it off and fell over for a while, but instead i consumed twice more than i needed, at least, and so i experience the bloat again and now i am awake watching two petite bodies (and the shows they are built around) tv... sarah conner chronicles and the new one, dollhouse, it looks like charlie's angels with a lolita twist and new millennium mind-fuck... just what the male ego loves to see... not sure why girls watch, i don't recall being a girl... anyway, once again i could have made the decision to rest and instead, i ate... more chocolate please, granma...

every day, every night, every moment... i'm keeping my promise, i'm trying to share, so you will always know i was here... so you can still know i am here...

enjoy your weekend :)

yeah, me again

wow, out for lunch and it's still around 40 degrees... must have been even colder this morning... anyway, government work is so amusing, if you do not consider the sadness of the waste of time and money and resources and all that... so our government liaison for the entire district has been on vacation for months and no one's replaced him, so none of us received any of the communications or paperwork or anything the state capitol people expected us to have and they had a lot of trouble hooking up the video conference equipment cuz nobody was there at the local state office for the 9am-5pm meeting, so some left around 10am and the rest of us left at 11am and la dee dah, our tax dollars at work...

and now, since we are supposed to be on a lunch break (2 hours, government time), i am debating about heading back or heading into work or just accepting that some days are not going to be as efficient or productive as others and just do something else... maybe clean the place...

so how is your day going so far? :)

woah, wow, where, when?...

still awake in the same awake period i was awake in some 23ish hours ago in the previous entry, just getting home for the first time, wishing there was something more exciting to keep me out this late, but still plenty to enjoy (even singing hello muddah, hello faddah in a sleepy duet... yes, i have an odd friend or few)... and pizza and snacks and soda and chocolate and well, a party pig out...

and to think, i was blurry 23 hours ago... and still, the buzz lingers, the energy begs for more time and the mind bounces around in the fog loving the experience of being alive and feeling this semi-conscious play... you so do not know what you are missing being outside of my head... and sometimes, neither do it...

make today a fantastic day and see you later :)

humans are so not nocturnal

well, i intended to sleep until i woke today, but somewhere around 10am work called to ask me something and then, a little while later, rasputin called to tell me he and a couple of guys are coming over to pick up his washer and dryer that i have in storage here (which means i can stop paying $10 a month for the storage or... i can put the little bit of stuff i have in there instead of in the corner of the laundry room or closet... we shall see)...

anyway, the intended sleep did not happen... and tonight i want to go out to watch the ohio state texas college bowl game with rasputin, which is why i wanted to get extra sleep during the day today as i have work the rest of the week and need to be back at top speed to get december's work done... so much for trying to live on my schedule with daylight loving humans around, aye?...

so raspy will call back when they are on their way... and i must get some housework done today as laundry is ready and there's still more boxes of stuff to sort through and trash (empty boxes) to take out and the gym would be a good idea and there is definitely not enough time for everything (especially not for a nap)... so busy day of human stuff ahead and while sharing it with a life partner would be desirable, i'll find a way to make it fun with just little ol' me... you to, ok? :)

the gardens have new words most everywhere, if you've got time and interest in reading... whatever you do, kit and love it as much as you can and enjoy it even more (or vice versa :)

living in thereal

yeah, i'll just keep coming back while the rest of the world ducks out (or dukes it out) elsewhere cuz i don't have time for the long-winded babbling (or even the brief communications) i still love so much, but don't have the time for to repeat myself either...

today i canceled my big monthly meeting and continue my month of semi-goofing off at work, though i am getting the vital daily stuff done... and a lot of it, cuz year end is a lot of work... and coming home, i cooked up some mushroom lasagna and it was delicious with protein bread and a chocolate rice milk shake... and now, i am nodding off... wisdom says go to bed... wisdom will win soon :)

make life fun without me :)

mostly for me

just a moment ago, upon returning from another night of spending, bloating, and the same old same old, i asked myself, self... why do you do it?... and the answer came back at me from myself before i could think about it and i heard... i do it for me, mostly... and i wonder if that is selfish... and i do believe it is... and i wonder if that is why i am alone... or is it simply because i am too honest about it and dare to ask and answer... that's me, pondering the corner...

same for coming here and writing consistently... this time, the words, the thinking, the uploading to the internet, is mostly for me... while i would love people to care enough to want to know me and maybe even care about me and while i would love it if i had friends who wanted to read me every day anywhere in the world, near or far, and while i'd love more interaction and i do continue uploading with that hope, for that reason, for the daily sharing i long to remember and share again any way it can be, i continue for me too and these days, alone in space and here, it's mostly for me...

cuz it is my dream after all... to share, i mean... posterity and memory and fantasy and what could be all play a role too... and someday, when someone does come along to care enough to want to be part of daily life sharing the moments, we can look back and see what follies and foibles and fun and stuff i did all these days... for the fun of it... for the learning experience... for the sharing... and for us... and until then, it's mostly for me...

slept late, to three or so, then headed out to pick up precious and drive to meet rasputin and buy dinner and movies and desserts... and precious needs more too, alas, to register for school... and i wonder if this too is why i am alone, cuz who would want to share my giving ways... somebody, i hope, i dream...

i hope your day was fun :)

2003 again

that is the ms office software, not a nostalgic reference to time travel through memory or physical space (which is certainly possible, contrary to most modern physics, but humans are very not ready for such awareness just now, ironically, and i remain with the moment for all eternity, yeah)

i mean that is where i was yesterday instead of writing an upodate here... installing office 2003 and downloading the service pack and critical updates and all that stuff that so proves humans are parasites and un-evolved creatures, but that too is another point beyond the moment, so halleluya brothers and sisters and welcome to the third paragraph...

software glitches (no rules?... no filters?... something wrong with the installation, dang ms bs) so all email is messed up, lumped together in a 5,000 piece piled of electronic conversations between strangers so if any of you or anyone i know is in there, oh well, apologies and hope i don't miss anything too important... that's why 407-325-1482 is plastered everywhere and handed out to locals, cuz email is not reliable... softball and the wing house again, not the best path perhaps, but later for more thought on that too...

running late (almost, as time is relative) for work so this is it, brief, hello, i love you, make today wonderful, and catch up with anyone out there reading along after the party tonight... remember, fun as you can :)

good morning afternoon :)

hmmm, wonder what happens if i put a smiley in the title... probably gets ignored when the entry is file-named, but i forget... anyway, the babbling continued on through morning last night, so here we are waking after noon and saying good morning... the title may have given that away, huh?...

well, the belly full and dinner at rolls' is two hours away... rolls is a happy sort of fellow who decided to invite ten or so of his closet heros and friends over for thanksgiving and he's reportedly busy busy busy cooking up all sorts of stuff today, though mostly traditional t-day fair so i'm not going over starved cuz i'm not a big fan of traditional t-day fair or even t-day cuz it's a lie, after all, like most western history (history is mostly habit, really), but the social company should be fun... it's mostly the people who enjoy games so i believe we will be playing (yay for games and gamers... and rolls)...

and i wandered a bit to find notes and comments left in various places today and finally responded to what i found... if there's more, i haven't found it yet... and to the sender of files to my cell (the number is one {of dozens} that got deleted from my addy book when the idiot at the best buy did not know how to save all my numbers, z?), i can't download cuz i don't have internet on my phone... i look at the phone and it says unread messages in the inbox and i think... what's in the box? :)

laziness is winning this morning/afternoon, so the unpacking is not happening... maybe saturday (as tomorrow is for raspy and precious)... which means i ought to get some sleep tonight after i get home even though i may be wired and the babbler, when wired, is pouring the words out these days... luckily i have both RealTime and btc to dump the excess into... wonder how long 3+ posts a day will continue... actually, the average is at least 4+ a day cuz there's consistently been one elsewhere and then there are comments on top of that and yay for babble (cuz it's my happy happy joy joy, ya know :)

i hope you are finding your own happy happy joy joy today, whether you celebrate the exploitation and lies and ultimate extinction of a human sub-species and culture or not (turkey?... no thanks, the meat is almost always too dry... oh wait, i am the turkey for bringing up those dang redskin savages, i get it... nevermind)... hey, whatcha expect, i try to be human in the other real blog :}

gotta laugh at the pain to keep it from winning, ya know? :)

hope all is well

beer and burgers late at night is not what the body needs, so i hope i remember this next monday... the routine continues, wake up, wash up, dress up, write up, go to work... looking forward to some time off, some changes in the routine... and maybe some payback so i can buy a new laptop (alas, and all)...

still, this groggy dumbness (and numbness) is a spacey treat and blast from the past (how do i find a way to enjoy everything?... low standards?... high threshhold?... massive insanity?... absurd sense of humor?... ah, laughter, the elixr of the gpds... ummmm, elixir of the gods?... lam :)

all is well and fine, though a slower shade of dandy today... relax and enjoy it... i'll rest and write more tonight... i hope all is well in your world :)

yeah, i thought so

dontcha just love it when you are right?... or hate it when you are right but didn't wanna be right?... or turned left at alberquerque... or something like that?... it is a question of balance, after all...

even if it's never noticed, or hardly noticed, or unnoticed for now...

hey, it's phonics, ok?... spellcheckers are overrated... so are smelly feet, for that matter... so after getting practically nothing done today that was scheduled to be done today, i took care of other business that could have waited until next week, but didn't... and several hours were spent with an ahca investigator investigating the same case the dcf investigator and the sheriff investigated last week, coming to the same conclusions and providing the expected citation... doing two jobs is not an easy thing... impossible, actually, without a laptop...

but when the answer did not arrive...

the corporate world has not fundamentally changed over the decades, we are still expected to work miracles with our hands tied because providing the scissor to the restrictions on our productivity would effect the short term budget and to hell with the long term... i mean, just cuz we are trying to provide the stepping stones for children to develop skills to last a lifetime, why should we look past the ends of our noses...

yeah, thereal, who needs it...

and then, returning home after a ten plus hour day, a hour or so catching up with rasputin on the phone, the music goes on (thank goodness) and into the words i dive because it has been too long, so babbles coalesced from the snips and scattered scribbles (and ethers, don't forget the ethers, whatever they are) and entries popped up where they were missing before (just to add to the confusion and randomly changing mood swings, abstract flow, and massive maze-like feeling posterity might find, as compared with the ever changing shape-shifting maze-like feeling those of us reading along might find, i suppose...

or something like, yeah, you know, and all that too...

hope you had fun aussi (even in absentia :}

another win

go team!... and the monday night team, aka put a glove on it is now 2-2 on the season as we beat a team that is now 0-4... best of all, we had fun doing it and i didn't hurt near as bad as yesterday or the day before (though i still am fielding poorly cuz turning the torso just isn't happening well at the moment)... the pills are apparently helping cuz the books say at least a few weeks with rest and i am far from resting and feeling better already... after the game, we went to the wing house, home of some very appealing petite bodies for twenty year olds, and shifting subjects toward more realism, since i didn't eat anything but granola bars and some nestle's crunch all day, i ordered food and we shared beers... i still don't know why people learn to like the taste of beer, but then, i drank some too...

the day at work was another day at work... papers seem to fly past me as fast as I can read, write a few words, and sign my name these days... and since it's the beginning of another month, number crunching begins again and reports are due way before any reasonable deadline cuz the people who want the reports have little or no idea what goes into producing the reports, but for better or worse that is their ignorance and relative worthlessness, not mine...

i wrote to my sunday softball team... everyone was giving each other pep talks in email, so i let the babbler loose on them... you can see what happened over at real time... everybody's so emotional lately (oh, bad self-mocker, why doest thou sock-it-to-me... rowen and martin, eat your heart out... artie johnson too... henry gibson was jack handey before jack was born... did you vote yet?... always wear your best underwear, you never know who may see it... or why)...

so what's going on in your world today? :)

ouchie

sitting nodding crawling to bed soon as laundry is in dryer groggy sleepy tired...

ouchie too... sharp pains in my left chest muscle, sort of, when i laugh or cough or hiccup or breathe deep or use my arm a certain way... not sure why, it was sort of there during the day but has gotten worse as the day moved along and now, ouchie...

maybe it's lingering from the way i slept last night... a heart attack is on the right side, right?... wait, i almost forgot, i passed another kidney stone today... a reddish one... we'll call it rudolph... he must have heard me talking about him somewhere in the blogosphere... obviously i am in the mood to babble or ramble randomly, but the body and fatigue is interfering with the concentration process...

too tired to laugh (and it really does hurt to laugh)... but i was laughing so much at an email a softball teammate sent... just look what the team did to Hector... I did it to rasputin too...

gonna go sleep now... nite nite :)

blink and it's a new day

and a new entry, if i am in touch with the moods and ebbs and flows of life within and around me... i've got pieces of babbling waiting for continuance and uploading but i've been falling asleep while writing the past few evenings so the babbler is itching (probably why i woke early even though i am still way sleepy)... waking tired and achy due to sugar/chocolate overdosing the past week, and lack of exercise, bloated and duh... not enough time for the gym though, so either tonight (which is not as happening as it needs to be) or wake even earlier tomorrow... must not forget about the body (since i'm the only one interested in it these days - oh, that's a self-zinger i should not be laughing at so easily, but then, there's no accounting for my sense of humor)...

nothing planned for this evening, so maybe i'll get motivated (and stay away from the chocolate that is all around work, including my office, cuz of the halloween think, aye?)... maybe some unpacking and moving in? (sheesh, what a life)...

so anything new or exciting going on in yours?...

how about old and mundane?...

make it fun :)

and after the car exploded, we had ice cream

yes, the belly berry berry full... a whole eggplant parm fit for two and then ice cream... ok, so no side dish like pasta or salad or soup or even a ton of breadsticks (one potato roll), but still, much food, belly full... of course i mean the imaginary we, sheesh, i mean, what am i, purple or something?... kiss kiss bang bang, love you much... oh, ahhhh, to be in love again, and sharing ice cream...

the day was a wash... an investigation, which means everything else gets put on hold and i chase managers to make sure they chase their staff for the statements the staff should have written the day before... and of course the managers don't have time to stop their daily routine to chase down and investigate an incident, so they get grumpy (well, at least one does, the other is more cheerful) and somewhat passive aggressive (and i will not be undermined or made to look incompetent by someone dragging their feet and then looking at me as i i should have done their job for them, now here that, ah ha!)... at 5pm when the state investigator arrived, i still had only two statements and had to ask for both of them... so i sent a few emails and the cno suggested we meet with her managers tomorrow morning...

so at 7pm i leave the state investigator and two sheriff deputies in the hands of the evening supervisor and race off to my softball game, changing in the car at red lights... no time to stop for caffeine or food or drink or anything... and i pitched ok, but the lack of food and rushing showed as i walked three or four and they hit very well... it did not help that the infield, especially the pitcher's mound and the batter's box, was literally a sandbox... no footing and no solid ground to push off from...

so the ice cream was good... oh, yeah, and the car outside did explode rather suddenly... unfortunatelt it did not bring mikey and his mom out to see the fireworks... maybe next time... not that i want to see cars blow up outside every day... so how was your day? :)

wow, i forgot about thereal which just goes to show how tired i was last night... it took five hours to write the the real blog in between nodding off and struggling to find the brain cells screaming for attention... all's well, cuz they were milked and no longer feel bloated and unloved... the belly, on the other hand, well... softball tonight...

ahca surveyors finished up yesterday and as i suspected, they will extend our pip due to the minutia (nurses not clearly adding their credentials to their signatures and doctors not checking the box that says they discussed an incident with other doctors and techs not writing good enough notes)... much praise for the major process corrections and for the stuff i created and implemented, so yay for the big stuff... all in all, exactly the results i would have given if i was auditing...

and now, rushing out to work (only have time because i had to throw the softball shirt in the wash cuz i forgot to wash it this week) and gonna have to race to get to my meeting this morning... nice to take a day off one of these days... thank you for being out there... and make today a great day, ok? :)

sleep?

almost like some sort of secret code, words just seem to gather meaning as they age, or as we age, or something, but for the past few days i've been monotonously hearing a voice, then voices, then choruses, then crowds, then mobs, then random flashes of voices wandering aimlessly in confined space randomly bumping into each other asking... sleep?...

way more caffeine that usual, and chocolate and sugar and last night, sausage and fried stuff (all the fun of the fair, or fotf, in some circles) and the brain pfttzzst (kind of short circuits without easily noticeable of motor function) and then, sleep comes in brief hour or two segments while the brain speeds along on the chemical additives... used to be called a high, i think...

eyes wide, doh duh da all around, heading toward the crash... a bit hung over now, quite bloated, we shall see how hard this crash is when it gets here (cuz it's just starting it's spiral, i think)... so some of the voices are asking (beyond the point of feeling, pleading, or anything) and some of the voices are laughing (beyond the point of reason) and some of the voices are suggesting we not (riding the high) and some of the voices are doing all sorts of other things with the infinite messages and meanings of the word, but over and over at random intervals the word pops up...

sleep?...

and if you happen by to read, how are you today? :)

for no one

ah, the beatles play in my head (though fleetwood mac plays on the little player) and i am reminded how much i enjoy music and social interaction (and food, unfortunately, as the sensible change in eating habits of last week have all but gone out the window this week, even though i am eating whole foods healthy stuff today) as i went to the trivia night and then to the coffee house open mike with the poet and others and now, as time for sleeping dwindles and plans for tomorrow night are to head across town to see the poet read at a different coffee house (he's the featured poet), i am looking at resorting to caffeine to function at work at max number crunching level to get the work done cuz the risk management backlog took most of today and rhymes flowed throughout the gardens tonight... and that's life in thereal for posterity's sake, and mine, and the one, and anybody else interested...

nite nite (not really, but for here and now :)

frayed edges

suddenly i do not feel like sharing... suddenly, i do not feel like caring... suddenly, i do not feel like wearing a smile... think i'll go off by byself for a while...

and yet, here we are...

this week has been productive at work in the form development department (though none of the forms have been approved yet), but the huge pile of backlogged work i inherited remains and the first week (of the month) data work is now due... then there is the assistant to train, though logistically it makes no sense as he is in the IT office on the other side of the building, so communication and transmittal of paperwork is a major obstacle... office space is lacking, so though i now have a three person department, it's spread out too far to manage effectively... i'll figure out how to make it work somehow...

at home, i finally met up with the bright house girl and turned in my cable box and remote... only a month late... other than that, last night was more writing... deep sea diving into psyche and history and the madness of human emotions... still feeling an outsider in this world, but maybe... hope?... why bother?... what's the use?... never give up, never surrender?... there is no coming back from some things?... it is not easy living with an axe over your head... bang bang maxwell's silver hammer...

someone said it is time to wake up and come out from behind the babbling again... was that before or after amy?... unconditional?... the one?... theone?... theone is simply the one who cares enough to unconditionally trust and love and share right here and now in thereal... wish she was here... paper fantasies are great, but the only way paper fantasies can keep you warm at night is if you bury yourself under reams or if you burn the pages... either way, flesh and blood sharing doesn't happen and that is the thereal world, flesh, blood, sweat, tears... just wish there was not so much flab and warped insecurity and fear, for my aversion to it keeps me from being able to find pleasure in it...

learn to enjoy it?... suppress my personal preferences and compromise my instinctive reactions?... pretend to enjoy it?... either way, that is not me... and that is not waking up and coming out from behind the babbling...

huh?... oh, i was somewhere else... ethereal, perhaps, and that's life in thereal this morning, capsulizing yesterday... hope you had fun :}