frustrating day, still laughing

and euphoric and giddy and by all normal standards, quite bipolarly insane (it's a new diagnostic they missed in the new DMSV, but don't tell anybody cuz they'll look at you all funny-like)...

ATT really seriously majorly amazingly SUCKED today... if i wrote ATT SUCKS a billion times, it would just describe part of the day... i spent from 10am until 7pm trying to find out what the new POP3 and SMTP server addresses were and at least thirty different ATT CSRs left me hanging or hung up (of course it could have been dropped calls after being on hold for up to 55 minutes at a clip)... the fact is, ATT has some amazingly bad customer service people... and their convergesys outsourcing does not help their effacacy... fimbidimblestipts!...

so a bit after 7pm i rush out to work to take care of the admission who came in last night and collected my $100 for just over an hour and stopped at giovanni's and publix on the way home to eat lasagna and stuffed shells and chocolate milk and chocolate pie for dinner and bliss is as easy as that... la dee da dee diddly doo :)

meanwhile, i've got this red spotty itchy rash on my left forearm, a dry scaly rash on my left middle finger, a dry scaly rash on my scalp, an infected wisdom tooth, and a serious case of sniffles... is dr. house in the house?... this body is slowly falling apart and i'm laughing like the joker from batman... can't nothing get me down anymore?...

who knows, but nothing in recent years... it's like i've got a teflon psyche and rubber heart... or silicon... mercury?... it's all metaphorical, ya know...

hope you enjoyed your day even more :)

blurrry

worked and home again, and wasting my time... something froze and i had to reboot the laptop and i had set it to check the disk on the next reboot, but should checkdisk take three hours?... so i nodded off and all the amazing things in my head dissolved into dreams i don't remember... alas, what a waste...

and more than 250,000 files?... talk about technological bloat, more than 250,000 files?... what the heck for?... i put ms office and two other programs, an security program and a game program on this laptop since i bought it... the laptop came with so much bloat, so many extra programs... it can take ten minutes to shut down and re-start and three hours to checkdisk?... how long will a defrag take, or will it hang and never actually finish like xp used to do...

hours wasted waiting for the computer to check itself and fix itself and what a waste...

vista is the worst os yet...

where does the time go, dangit?

must wake in four hours to shower and dry off (it's cold outside) and dress and drive to the softball tournament (so much for getting enough sleep, dangit) and i got home around 10pm and re-laced part of my softball glove cuz it's old and falls apart now and then and then updated behind the candoor and realtime too, and checked out some other stuff and found myself nodding off just a moment ago so i'm off to bed and la la land and will attempt to blog later and should have bought the laptop dangit...

nite nite :)

the gym

yes, i made it back down there, finally, after months away (i did get down there in september a handful of times and maybe october cuz i was using it for internet too and checked out the machines)... i've been utterly ridiculous in my lack of serious exercise (softball 4-5x a week is still not serious exercise, there, i said it)... and i called the nice person who kinda dared me to get back to running, though she was out or busy... thanks anyway :)

40 minutes on the elliptical, just over 3 miles, the first mile in 11 minutes at level 5 and the rest fluctuating between level 10 and 2, so the deterioration is obvious... and now, i am feeling the sugar and caffeine withdrawals and that is not a great feeling, but it's about time i simply stopped for a while cuz it's been a while since i simply stopped... long enough for this withdrawal to be a pain... and my impatience used to simply raise the stakes (as in increasing the intensity of the exercise which would accelerate the process and temporarily increase the pain, but will that be a health risk now (age plays a factor, or so all the books say)...

there's that feeling alone and what if i pass out or have a heart attack or stroke and die or become a vegetable just cuz nobody was around in the first few minutes cuz i am all alone in the world woe-is-me and so on song playing again)...

time to go to the gym again?...

hope i return :)

frayed edges

suddenly i do not feel like sharing... suddenly, i do not feel like caring... suddenly, i do not feel like wearing a smile... think i'll go off by byself for a while...

and yet, here we are...

this week has been productive at work in the form development department (though none of the forms have been approved yet), but the huge pile of backlogged work i inherited remains and the first week (of the month) data work is now due... then there is the assistant to train, though logistically it makes no sense as he is in the IT office on the other side of the building, so communication and transmittal of paperwork is a major obstacle... office space is lacking, so though i now have a three person department, it's spread out too far to manage effectively... i'll figure out how to make it work somehow...

at home, i finally met up with the bright house girl and turned in my cable box and remote... only a month late... other than that, last night was more writing... deep sea diving into psyche and history and the madness of human emotions... still feeling an outsider in this world, but maybe... hope?... why bother?... what's the use?... never give up, never surrender?... there is no coming back from some things?... it is not easy living with an axe over your head... bang bang maxwell's silver hammer...

someone said it is time to wake up and come out from behind the babbling again... was that before or after amy?... unconditional?... the one?... theone?... theone is simply the one who cares enough to unconditionally trust and love and share right here and now in thereal... wish she was here... paper fantasies are great, but the only way paper fantasies can keep you warm at night is if you bury yourself under reams or if you burn the pages... either way, flesh and blood sharing doesn't happen and that is the thereal world, flesh, blood, sweat, tears... just wish there was not so much flab and warped insecurity and fear, for my aversion to it keeps me from being able to find pleasure in it...

learn to enjoy it?... suppress my personal preferences and compromise my instinctive reactions?... pretend to enjoy it?... either way, that is not me... and that is not waking up and coming out from behind the babbling...

huh?... oh, i was somewhere else... ethereal, perhaps, and that's life in thereal this morning, capsulizing yesterday... hope you had fun :}

softball, dinner, and self-care

today, being a saturday, relaxed and wandered the web responding to comments until it was time for softball practice... and upon returning from practice, i was so spent (we'll get to that later for redundancy is a good way to learn, or so the theories say), i actually had cramps in my side from laughing and joyful laugh upon reading the twixt blog (living revelations vicariously... and the kinda sorta adoration and real respect doesn't hurt either, merci beaucoup plus :)

finally realizing that everything takes forever... yay :)

in other news, it appears the babbler is returning, though time limits access to the endless stream of random thoughts (and there is still the uncertainty of where he calls home, but it is still wonderful {for me, at least} to have the flow of words again, even if it's meaningless drivel to everyone outside of my head)... and then, back here in the real, once again i feel a bloated abdomen... raspy and precious came over and we went to dinner at bubbalou's (barbeque) cuz raspy got a $20 discount from the big pig (owner of the bbq place) cuz raspy provides seafood for the bbq place,,, meanwhile, i probably could have benefited from no meal tonight as it was almost ten when we finished eating and i should be asleep now so i can do my best at the softball double header i am pitching tomorrow in the blistering hot sun that dehydrated me today cuz i forgot to bring water with me again...

whatdya mean i'm not taking care of myself?... who do you think is?

ummmmm, rhetorical and rather sarcastic questions aimed at me, no doubt... so speaking of softball, a two and a half hour practice in the heat without fliuds was a source of great exhaustion (and it was such a good feeling in spite of it being a physically almost numb feeling)... i shall bring my cooler with ice and cold drinks for myself for the double headers tomorrow... i actually woke late today and rushed out to practice, so dummy forgot water...

and on that note, i end this somewhat self-distruction, but still fun day with a hug and a wave and a hope your day was fun too :)

.

PS... a couple of hours later (yes, still awake)... I just bought six tickets to the film of the broadway cast doing RENT... yeah i'm excited (and obviously hopeful that i'll find people who want to go... ah, the way i set myself up on the roller coaster ride of life is sometimes scary... and too often expensive... but almost always fun :)

tinitis is distracting

today i woke tired and maybe it's cuz i ate too much last night (partly) cuz i've gotten more headaches in the past year than i have in this lifetime and i think it's just the body telling me i am at a crossroads, either get in shape (lose weight) or prepare for a stroke or some sort of near death or death experience... i am eating less, but even more less?... eating less could bring on the headache too... a week long fast and cleasing would be intelligent, but that would mean time off and there's not much time off in the corporate jungle... so i sigh and feel alone tonight, almost human (though i felt even more alone when i didn't feel human), bloated and tired and realy to explode... the real is not always pretty...

also, the thursday team lost again, not a lot of effort out there...

lost entries

and lost rhymes... being used to office 2007 auto-saving, i forgot to save the wordpad file and poof, the words are gone... oh well, lost an entry, and so it goes, and so it goes... yeah... and so it goes...

the appropriate end to a very challenging day (or days) all around, especially for the body, but i really don't feel like going into it all over again, so forget and whatever, in the end, i am alone with my thoughts anyway... the babbling elsewhere surely will be laden with the crap, you'll just miss out on the simple clarity without the poor-me whining that this blog was supposed to provide... seems the lines are blurring, as usual... and it's not as if these will be missed, a few words of agony amidst a series of entries poured out into various web spaces all of a sudden when i finally reconnect with the internet again... it had been a very challenging day...

so now that i am suddenly looking to open word documents again for the first time in many years and my trial copy of word 2007 is at an end of use, i am giving the ms office 2007 disk another try as i uninstalled it all and as it attempts to install in the background, i continue here... the good news is i opened the new usb hub i bought and connected the mybook and the external cd writer and have room for the 250gb portable drive i bought and also for the flash drives so i can move my work around easily... but oh well, word 2007 will not re-install and work, so off it goes and back comes office 2003, i hope, when i remember to bring home the cd and product key from work...

and then... what the hell, both of my teams fell apart, wait, all three of my teams fell apart this week and if i count the scrimmage on Sunday, that's four straight losses... tonight the first team played the best team in the league and only seven players showed up, so we had to borrow two and play one short... it did not help that i hit like crap... i pitched fine but the other team hit well and our fielding was mediocre at best... still we held a team averaging more than 20 runs a game to twelve... jackson, if you remember her as my former officemate from work, played well... we play on a few teams together... we rushed over to the other game to find our team leading 9-2, but they seemed to fall apart and lost 14-13 on a walk-off hit... we did the same thing to them last year... and that's when the phone rang...