been so long

since an all-nighter was so refreshing... from the depths of the buried treasures (and the sadness that they were buried so long and still remain mostly buried, but at least remembered to the euphoria of remembering) to the pleasures of the momentary experiences of letting music envelope me almost as it once did (shhh, we do not need to notice the almost at the moment :)

the past six or seven thereal entries (and dozens of others, some linked, some not) tell a story of a life, a week, an eternity... and while you had to be here to begin to understand, perhaps you will care to want to know one day and in that wanting, the story of a life continues...

till tomorrow :)

wow, see?... a poll!

referencing the previous title (not necessarily the entry though) that sleep is good cuz just look over on the right and see the newest feature i tried out here in this blog, a poll... i am still deciding if multiple answers are allowed and how long the poll will stay open and whether it will stay in the side bar (cuz the side bar is way too long for a this blog) but decisions decisions can wait until they are made, for now, there's a new feature, a poll...

i expect nobody to use it because i suspect nobody reads this regularly and this entry announcing it will blink into the archive any moment now and i believe most entries here are never read by human eyes, but hey, that is the real, diggidy? (as in, get it>?, however updated and expanded for the new millenium with a little help from a cartoon friend and the writers and Seth, who is as constant an influence in this life as any of the other hundred fifty or so constant influences who'v invaded my brain (with and without unilateral permission... is unilateral the right word there?... someday this, and millions of other rhetorical, semi-rhetorical, quasi-rhetorical, and actual real questions will be answers, but for now, there's a poll!... diggidy?)...

all this cuz i got a reasonably decent night of sleep?... i did wake at the four hours marks and when the phone rang, which was a lot this morning, but still, sleep has not had the positive effect it used to have for the last year or so and i was concerned that the over-tired effect of long-term sleep-deprivation (and overuse of hyphens) may have degenerated the brain cells to the point where they will not regenerate fully ever again, or at least not until several days/weeks/months/years or whatever period of time required is taken/given to sleep in heavenly sleep for as long as necessary to rejuvenate (or regenerate, i believe i mean regenerate cuz i'm not sure rejuvenate is actually possible, but that will require experimentation and more, precise discussion and agreement of definitions, to be decided at a later date)...

stop babbling here now!

eve-n now

if may be new years eve for most of the world, but it is a bittersweet memory for me for oh so many reasons that i will not get into at the moment cuz the mood is not here and the time is not here and i am not here, but still, somewhere deep down buried by time and confusion and way too many scars, there is something magical...

happy birthday mel

would have been 1000

yes, if i wasn't secretly (shhhh, don't tell anybody, nyuk and all) slipping an entry or few in the past as i find the writing i've been doing and not uploading (like at the moment, cuz the game died again, i am finding emails/letters i've written to friends old and new and i'm popping the writing in those into entries where they would have been in the time line of life if the words did not find their way into the mail and you'll just gave to ponder deeply all you've missed by not keeping in touch, alas and all, i know, ya know?), this would have been the 1000th entry here in ethereal... wow, aye?... especially cuz it happened in less than half the time... yup, ethereal zoomed past RealTime™ and is fast chasing down all the others...

hope you've been enjoying yourself and life as much as i have, even though i've missed you, even though you probably never knew... the words have been pouring out all along, just as i promised all those year ago... and here they'll be, right here waiting, just as if you've been here sharing all along...

isn't it romantic? :)

turkeydander

yes, the fact of the matter is energy, but you only think you understand if you claim to and you only begin to when you accept that you do not, so live and let it be or grab the bull by the horns and hang on for the wildest ride of your life (by actually experiencing living it)...

shhhh, we don't want to wake the people...

the precarious balance

it means so much to so many, on the surface and at infinite depths, and here i am again... i should sleep s i have softball practice most of the day from 9am to 7pm tomorrow... i should head to the gym because i feel inspire and seem to have the energy and made a promise to myself tonight to change my habits and prove i am doing that by stepping on the scale on may first and being under 200 pounds... i am also inspired to write for several reasons... ego is flattered and my emo is touched by the attantion at facebook after finally saying hello to some people there... psyche is challenged and emo is inspired by the events and conversation and interactions of the evening... and today is the birthday of one of the most precious people with the most amazingly beautiful heart i've ever known...

so what do i do... gym.

the real?

well, as much as this is the daily record of the daily events of the daily life as i live it, there is also some deeper ponderings popping up now and then and while those sort of introspective self-analysis type of ponderings would usually appear behind the candoor (and before then, candora or on downbeats, the lands of the mostly dead, just like when there wasn't time to go behind the candoor and the deeper inverted (or is that introverted?... can one be an introverted exhibitionist?... i suppose youtube is full of them, and tv, for that matter… maybe we’ve discovered the definition of celebrity… anyway… what were we saying?) thinking appeared in RealTime™ when there wasn’t time to go behind the candoor (was the repetition planned for emphasis?... oh, would that be telling, not to be confused with the telling, or the telling that sang guardian angel and other beautiful ethereal songs... but there are so many others), so even here amidst (e)thereal, beware the emo!...

yes, ok, i confess, i am emo in (e)thereal world…

and we wonder why i am still alone in this world, aye?... but the fact is that most of these entries are not out there in front long enough to be noticed or read unless you are checking in here several times a day or simply keep (e)thereal open in a tab in your browser all the time and refresh several times a day (and if you did that, oh, the places we could go... from seuss to noose and 'round again as the previous entry and those before, especially this week, expose the emotion {and touch on history} all the more... it is our experience, all we've ever been, done, or known, that brings us to who and where we are today, after all... the choice is acknowledging and embracing it all {and our self} or ignoring and losing it and pieces of self... i'll continue to strive for keeping in touch with all and therein keeping myself whole... because i care because caring is better than the alternatives... and trying to share because sharing is the best i can do in and with this life and you... which is why i am here)…

and we wonder why i am still alone in this world, aye?... yeah, so anyway, i would stay awake, just to watch you breathing cuz i really don’t want to miss a thing… who else loves that way?... that much?... that constantly?... that completely?... that ad infinitum?... 42?...

yeah, even the babble is (e)thereal from time to time because i am nocturnal… no matter how much i resist… and i want to love all night long (everybody, but you know, all i ever needed was the one)…

be beautiful tonight :)

tweedle dee

home again with no plan except rest (so maybe a load or laundry or two if i don't pass out first?)... gym?... we shall see... soup for dinner and ponderings... ponderings deeply... to meat or not to meat... see, there's some people in this world i might let influence me from time to time... they have to have the right mix of waves or vibs or whatever, it's really not easily explained, if explaining is even possible... anyway, one of these potential influences just went vegan this week and here i am entering what seems to be a rather nonchalant omnivore phase with cow, pig, and chicken in the freezer... so tonight i eat soup to nuts to crackers, all veggie...

pondering... and drifting... and laughing at myself and life and love and everything, including everything that once mattered so much more than everything else combined to me... wondering just how set in my ways i have become... and what are my ways, anyway... ah, the undefined is the unwanted, the uninvited, the easily overlooked and pushed out the door if one dares to enter the world of the defined...

so how was your day? :)

morning isn't broken

just really kinda blurry, but much worse has been recorded in the life and times as i've know it in this body... a sort of steamy shower helps turn everything around from a dense stupor with molasses movements to a dull fog with a buzz of energy bounce... still, no time for babble or even much thought, just a good morning and hope for another beautiful day...

do it! :)

yo-yo

back up again... the four hour cycle is so consistent once i allow the body sleep instinct to control itself... the phone rang a few, people wondering what i am doing for new years eve... and a web request that needs time for a return call... maybe i will not sit home resting this year (which is what i do from time to time) since i am doing that me time the week before this year... a group went to see yes man tonight at the imax, but i chose sleep instead... the body appreciates me listening... the mind (and ethereal me) appreciates this me time... even if it seems a little selfish...

next step is to get the mouth (as in taste buds) under control... being a foodaholic is not wise at this stage of life, or at any stage, i suppose, though i could burn off the binges a whole lot faster and easier in my teens and even my twenties...

all by myself, alas... as always, so far, at least, in this life...

the space is much clearer now and it looks big... the entry, dining, living room area is one big space about 30' by almost 14' with a 10' by 10' kitchen open to the entry/dining area, so sitting out here the space feels big when it's relatively empty... the whole apartment is just under 900 square feet, probably including the walk-in closet, walk-in laundry room, and pantry... i think the ceilings are 9', though they seem higher... all in all, the space is great, even better as i start actually moving in and making more of the space useful for something other than storage... furniture?... maybe next year :)

obviously i could have gotten away with saving a couple of thousand dollars in a smaller place this year, but who knew i was going to be loaning/giving my furniture money to others... i can say no, i just seldom do when i have... haves should not hoard, i say... though have-nots do need to learn to get and sustain their own too... where is my wise life partner again?... oh yeah, haven't found her... or him, if we're talking partnering for $ and business... and alas, i sense the loneliness wanting to bubble up to the surface... natural, as it must be felt before i can actually share all of me again (and i considering sharing all of me again?)...

why else unpack and clean up the space and take me time, aye? :)

the peanut gallery and ego think they are so clever... silly gits, little do they know they are only kids playing in the schoolyard while i nap through life... thereal me (blending the ethereal me and the physical me to reach for all of me) may wake up next year... or not, but maybe is better than no mention at all :)

so whatcha been up to since four hours ago? :)

waking at 2am

if i knew exactly when i fell asleep, i'd know if i should be tired or not (should i give credibility to such logic?... or should i just feel how i feel and not let the clock rule my life experience?... surely the latter will isolate me from most of humanity, but then, surely the former would kill me faster and how much more isolated can one be than dead?... so, to reassure humans, i nodded off somewhere shortly after uploading the previous entry right here in this here blog, which means about eight hours sleep, so there all you normals... and for the few who actually get me {or who pretend to}, and to the fellow night owls and other nocturnal creatures out there who hang in there when parentheses expand in this manner, come on over, the water is sweet and the air is cool and your seat is waiting)...

no dreams to wake me, though i vaguely recall smiling a few times through the night, which is more like it, which is probably why i am awake and feeling great... and perhaps i'll nap before morning, but for now, i shall wander a bit, babble a bit (and leave a few more pages out there for you to find, or not), perhaps wind up down at the gym (the thought continues to rise to the surface faster each day than it has in many weeks... or is it months?... hey gym partner, where've you been?), and as the mars volta plays, dream of you enjoying the night with me, whatever you are doing, wherever you are...

you are loved :)

postponed

the writing planned for tonight was postponed due to hours on the phone, which is classic irony for this night as the muses and the ethers and the energies are profound, what with the holiday... entries were added to the RealTime blog, along with music, and we'll be back tomorrow for more...

lol lam :)

well i suppose not (with a capital k, aye?), but it sure was exciting while the moment lasted (ah, the babbler dreams of the time to wander aimlessly through the fields and valleys and mountain peaks and alternative universes and other oddities of the mind of the author to bask in the ambiance and warm in the sunshine and bathe in the rain and dance with the flowers and rocks and molecular structures and ethereal ethers and so on and all that and what a wonderful world it would be {for the babbler, at least} if only... ahhhh, sigh... and the most naturally sweetly peaceful giggle too)...

guess you had to be there lol lam :)

this body, bringing it back to the physical moments, so severely could benefit from a shower... so that is where i shall be very shortly after this update here in the bowels of thereal... waking naturally for the first time in ages, though it may have been the bladder, there was no call to lay back down and a gentle call to come visit the web and for almost two hours i wandered wikipedia and other sites exploring music (or more specifically, warped memories and assorted side shows and as the third song or cd in any collection seems to have a more profound impact on the collection than most others, so did the gorillaz, putting my in mind of a little radiohead, and on through the still more ethereal moody blues and beyond to others... but maybe you hat to be there for that too, aye?)...

morning laughter at everything and anything for no apparent reason feels so wonderful... i hope you find some too today :)

wow, silence

it is so weird to come home to silence, to no tv, to private space... wonderfully weird, but still weird none-the-less... the last time i had some measure of privacy was almost ten years ago in a rooming house, though i shared the bathroom with a whole floor... i could get very spoiled (and i forget all about the imperfections so easily)...

lol, my feet were atheletes (i'll explain someday)... abosrbing the moments (and stretching them invisibly) it's so sweet to put on music and listen to the space listening to the music... silence loves music, you know (they are secret lovers, shhhh, don't tell)... and then... i was in the mood for eggplant parm tonight, but did not feel like dealing with traffic (it was still sick local traffic at 6:45pm... this area has grown up way too fast) and i'm not sure about delivery here yet behind the iron gates, so i am settling for spaghetti and imitation crab (alaskan pollack) and real shrimp and real scallops...

and that's the moments... i'll catch up on the details of these days one of these nights, here or there or somewhere... thank you for the words... hope life is smiling in your world :)

4:47 am

i sit here alone typing these words... no one home but me... the clock moves silently... and in the morning when the world wakes up i'm still alone... no hug, no kiss, no eye contact... no playful glance or plans with anyone... off to my day... no one to take care of or to care for me... no one to depend on or depending on me... except work... this is reality...

where are you?... what are you doing?... are you alone?... who is in your house?... and in the morning when the world wakes up are you alone?... hugs, kisses, eye contact?... play or glances to start your day?... plans to follow through on with a family?... anyone depend on you?... anyone care for you?... what is your reality?...

for us to relate to each other honestly we must accept the differences in our realities and understand the perspectives are influenced by those differences... and then we can match similarities and enjoy connections more deeply because we undertsnad the differences and are closer to each other for that...

if this doesn't make any sense to you, just write it off as the babblings of a lonely child who woke at 4:47 am and wanted to share something with someone, but no one was here...

cuz you just never know

we might wake up at the same moment, like a kismet or something, and shuffle (or stumble or simply stroll, if we wake gracefully) over to our respective computers to check out the world at the very same moment feeling the very same way and ka-boom, like two stars we collide right here in the cyber space of blogdom, both lonely and eager to find each other, both hopeful we are still out here looking, both busy with life but taking a few moments as often as possible to say...

hello world, i am here, make today a great day...


i've been waiting for you to arrive :)

and early bird

i am here for a moment while food is heating up (yes, heating up, i have yet to unpack and consider cooking in this space... stubborn, i am) and expect to be babbling between the lines (hopefully some creativity worth reading will pop out from there - and then, fame and fortune and karma and the come around part of what goes around, ya know?) after i eat (and reading while i eat), so i just wanted to check in here with you (cuz hopefully you are still reading) and let you know that all is well in my head (still as crazy as ever) and the balance between life and death seems to be as secure as it's always been for me (and best of all, fear is still a friendly dude i can talk circles around), so happiness is alive and well in my little imaginary world (and it's pretty peaceful and content in the real as well, in spite of the universe-filled loneliness that surrounds everything (hey, it is universe sized, ok?) that always has me hungry for more sharing even as i am tickled pink (or is that green?... kind of a blue green, maybe) to just be me enjoying myself by myself in the moment...

i am trying to become an early bird, so i might get to sleep earlier than usual tonight cuz i am determined to get back to the gym regularly any day now... like i did in 2004 (has it been that long, not really asking), going it alone if that's how it must be... still open to the sharing that could happen at any moment (sounds exciting, aye?)...

take care of you, i'll be back soon (hopefully tomorrow :)

on the line

there was a time when i would sit by the phone in front of the computer checking email every fifteen seconds as if every second mattered... i felt blessed to have a phone and a computer to check email... i got into email and the whole web world a bit late, unfortunately, as i was preoccupied with writing for snail mail during it's earliest years and simply never explored the medium even though i was at a computer, writing daily, in the eighties... i sometimes ponder the missed opportunities for social and business, but then, except for a few decisions and experiences (and the loss of contacts with my own words, not to mention people), i loved every moment... except those moment when i was sitting at the phone or at the computer and it felt like no one knew (or cared) that i existed... i don't use the phone much these days...

choice

if there is connectivity, then there may be magic, however that is not a guarantee, nor bliss nor tragic, it is only what it is, and what you want it to be, what you make of yourself, is your reality... and if you did not know you're only fooling yourself because the radiance is present on your shelf even if you will not see or even if you are blind there is a life in your head and a choice in your mind and you call out in silence or you may smile and wave or you scream up to heaven and pray you to be saved but from what can you answer, oh say can you see, you are running from yourself and hiding from me... you can close your eyes and choose to be blind, but you die every time you close your mind... you can sit in yourself pretending you don't care, you can smile from within as if you are aware, you can live on the edge as if you don't care, but you waste every moment that you do not share...

the secrets of time in the real

these words appear before your eyes in these moments in your time, however they were written in these moments in my time, moments that are most likely not the same moments, but are still these moments that we call right now... and the time-date stamp on this entry may or may not be either of those moments in anybody's time.

this is the real as far as time goes, for what it's worth, for what it means to you, for as much as you might want to know (and hopefully you do).