so many places in the world

more new people visited today from all around, unless my regular readers have done some more traveling cuz visits have come from Ireland, Indonesia, Thailand, Panama, Israel, Italy, Norway, Vietnam, Korea, Taiwan, Singapore, New Zealand, Columbia, Peru, Ukraine, Brazil, Switzerland, France... recently i have not seen those first ten countries on the list of where visitors are viewing from (it's been a while) and others are seldom on the list in recent weeks... so welcome back and welcome new readers...

and hey old friends in Canada, Australia, India, Poland, Netherlands, China, Latvia, Sweden, and Japan thanks showing up more often too... so if you are new here, welcome and thank you for stopping by... thanks again to the regular readers from Romania, Russia, United Kingdom, Germany, Malaysia (who am i leaving out?) and the USA... thank you for helping me feel like i am not writing in a vacuum :)

yay you :)

around the world

new people visited today, unless my regular readers have done some travelling cuz visits have come from Ukraine, Brazil, France, Indonesia, Thailand, Israel, Italy, Norway, Vietnam, Korea, Taiwan, Singapore, New Zealand, Columbia, and Peru... recently i have not seen those first five countries on the list of where visitors are viewing from (it's been a while) and others are seldom on the list in recent weeks... so welcome back and welcome new readers... and hey Canada, Australia, India, Poland, Netherlands, China, Latvia, Sweden, and Japan thanks showing up more often too... so if you are new here, welcome and thank you for stopping by... thanks to the usual visitors from Romania, Russia, United Kingdom, Germany, Malaysia (who am i leaving out?) and the USA... thank you for helping me feel like i am not writing in a vacuum :)

we put the xmas tree up tonight... i was able to hammer in the spike stand and filled the basin with water (with my arm used carefully, a tiny hammer, and no vice)... unfortunately, because lowe's had packed up their chainsaw and equipment early so the tree didn't get a clean cut, it's not absorbing as much water as a well-sold tree (am i not happy with lowe's?) and we are hoping it will survive until we take it down... we put up stockings too... jackson is a child of xmas, so it's much more xmasy around here this year... it feels good cuz she cares and isn't into it just for the show...

ate some herring in sour cream sauce for, well, dinner?... waking up at almost noon or even after definitely rearranges the names of meals... used to work night shift, if you know what i mean... yummy, much so...

just a life

while some of you tell me (and i so appreciate it) that i have some profound messages and valuable insights and i truly treasure your praise and respect (not just ego, you touch my heart by valuing my writing), at the bottom line it's just a life, one life, the one i experience and observe, that brings this blog and the writing in it to you...

i want to share a lot more than i do... so i write when no one is around to share... these days, while i am not working, i have a lot more time alone so i am writing a lot more... stating the obvious, yet it is part of the understanding i wish to convey here... if i write something of value, that is a wonderful feeling for me, but it is still icing on the cake of sharing that this blog is about...

it's just a life... just don't tell ego, aye? :)

late late whatever

sometimes the brain is just itching to write something so clever it would change the world, but then the food's ready (and i don't mean a tallahassee fruit loop) so what can i do other than put aside the keyboard and reach for the food cuz i don't want hot food to get cold cuz it tastes better hot and if i didn't cook it then ignoring it is an insult to the cook and i do not like insulting cooks so by the time the taste buds have orgasmed (and the cook might come along too) whatever clever words were carried away by winds unknown (maybe a secret santa?) and the best we can do is watch half a mechanical man infer that cleaning your chimney is something dirty...

now really, how can cleaning be dirty?... perhaps if you don't do it well... anyway, it is that time of night again, time to sit back and watch craig ferguson mock everything as only a man-child going through some sort of eternal puberty can... i think there should be a contest for the guest who turns reddest while on his show...

oh canada, where art that?

not quite yet

and we lose the option of sleeping four hours, most likely, as the entries for the day of the date (it's no secret, really) and the time of year... we have come a long way from woodstock, even from woodstock two, or three, for that matter and the fact is nobody knows... unless you want to... so perhaps i can close my eyes and sleep now...

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

no coincidence, aye?...

nite nite :)

before i check you

i check myself...

that is, that is... what i mean to say is, as if that is not clear or something, is that in this particular sharing made up of putting words on this screen via the cyberspace highway or whatever we might call it now or then or someday, i start writing before looking anywhere else, usually... so if there are comments or reactions of any sort anywhere, like in comments (oh... doh?) or email or even on my phone (still 407-325-1482, in case you wondered how real (e)thereal still was, i mean, just look around, as in scroll just a bit, aye?), i do not know that (about the comments, reactions, etc that might be there, kapish?) until after i start writing a while, at least... see, cuz the writing started out for me and remains, first and foremost, for me... sanity and comfort and clarity and release and work and play and sing and dance and giggle and cry and scream and sigh and whatever else, the inside comes out before the outside comes in (in the place where i feel most like me)... any other way seems to be following and i am not in this world to follow, nor to lead, actually, which is probably why i am alone (amongst the many other logical reasons, aye?)... ya falla?...

lol, hope you woke with a peaceful smile too :)

listening to this
(in the place where i feel most like me)

thousands

over the years i've written in diaries, journals, blogs, and wherever regularly so that just about every day i record thoughts, feelings, perspectives, dreams, fantasies, whatever may be borne of my own mind or just passes through from sensory input... there are more than a few threads, strings of entries (or posts) from different perspectives in my head and more than a few of the writing spaces have more than a thousand entries, this one included... if you ask why, the simple answer is i love word play, literary expression, and keeping in touch with myself and the dream of communicating with others, especially the one... care to read and ask for more and the deeper layers of meaning, reason, and rhyme (and the secrets of the multiverse, even) may appear for you as communication personalizes...

here in the primary public writing space i am skimming the surface most of the time and even those i mention are re-named to respect privacy (for others seems to want much more privacy than i do) and even when i am away from this writing space for a day or few, i am still writing somewhere... writing is for my mind what singing is for my body and spirit, exercise, release, play, connection to the core and flights of fancy to freedom and infinity (and beyond :)

if you have an affinity for the written word (or for singing and/or music), perhaps you understand... you are welcome to read along and encouraged to share your words as well, here, there, or anywhere... communication is one of the primary gifts this life offers and i love giving and receiving... hope you love what you do too :)

fruitful awakening

though sleep could have easily lasted longer if the phone did not ring, i find myself spouting out purposeful babble and random nonsense this morning at many unknown locals in the new web world (so designated by the demise of the written gardens at the hands of the dastardly att folk, who suck, by the way)... busy day of three softball games tomorrow, so relax today... maybe some laundry and unpacking?... perhaps... fresh air (no times square)...

make this a wonderful weekend...

early to home

whatever that saying is, it's good to be home early and to relax and gather my wits for a busy weekend... hopefully work will be light (and not like last weekend when jackson had nine admissions) and i will finally ocus on giving this place a bug spray treatment inside and out and then, finally actually start to unpack... and laundry, got a pile of that too... and maybe a little writing time... there's always hope...

cuz i hope :)

i have been away (worklife)

not out of town, just caught up in the hyper-busy work that multiple investigations creates... my job is primarily twofold... daily performance improvement monitoring, data collection, processing, and analysis that becomes weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual reports... and daily incident and seclusion/restraint reviews to ensure policies are being followed to reduce risk as much as possible... there is not enough time for one person to do it all without working at it more than eight hours a day at least five days a week and that means no days off... each monday there is three days to caught up on... a holiday, a vacation day, a sick day, creates more days to catch up on and there is no one else to do my job when i am not there...

and then there are the things that go wrong that need investigating, extra time and energy to interview, to review video, to meet with external investigators and regulatory agency surveyors to find out what went wrong, if anything we did was wrong, then take action to correct it and ensure it does not happen again... a single investigation can take two days or more, easily, two days or more in which none of the regular work can be done, so two or more days that have to be made up with extra hours... the past two weeks i had seven investigations to juggle and somehow get done along with the daily work... and two of the past three weekends i also was on call, so had extra work on four out of six of the past saturdays and sundays...

and as if that is not enough, a fourth aspect of my job takes even more time... whatever a surveyor arrives, it is my responsibility to provide them with everything they need and that usually means giving them the majority of my time on days they are there and then the majority of the day after they leave producing a report on their findings and an action plan to fix anything they found wrong... since march 1st i've had three full days of surveyors in two separate visits, meaning five days of work for surveys... it is march 21st and so far, there have been 15 working days in the month... four of the six weekend days have been work days as well, so only two weekend days allowed for any catch up... five days of surveys and ten days of investigations and that leaves most of fifteen days of normal work that would require 9-10 hour work days not done...

not enough of a challenge, it only gets more challenging... surveyors are expected for seven of the remaining eight work days of this month... somehow, the full month of daily work must get done as well...

and more... i took two of the fifteen workings days off just to recover and work from home because i can get moe done at home... catch up?... simply does not happen... so i throw skip some reports and throw reports together based skimming data and intuitive analysis, not scientific method simply because there is no time to perform the tasks required for scientific method...

and more... we do not factor in any of the routine filing and physical organizational work required to maintain some semblance of funtional order to the massive volumes of documents that pass through my hands every day... a full 40 hour week of creating file folders and reviewing and filing paper would catch that proces up, if there was only time... this is the real of work life for the moment...

and to survive, if find mental escape in games i enjoy, sometimes with friends, sometimes by myself... and also in audio-visual stimuli, stories brief as songs and long as movies and multi-part tv series... and in writing, though the past two weeks there's been much less time for writing because i needed to escape into external distractions to relieve the internal pressure in the brain... too much thinking, too much stress, doing hundreds of hours of work in a quarter of the time requires intensity that hurts the brain and to heal, escape into other thought processes works for me... a strategy game based on numbers... and sci-fi tv shows that let me leave the normalcy of human life as it is today to imagine a different world, way, and perspective...

i miss you when i am gone, even if you rarely acknowledge you are here... i miss the illusion of sharing, caring, and not being alone... but healing is a solitary process, so i have been away... i am not quite back... i have much more catching up to do at work, much more pressure to put on this brain, and therefore more escape time away from daily babbling as well... but there must be time for babbling... and then, there is the profound desire to continue the sharing in the myriad of other blogs underway... forty four blogs at blogspot alone and then, another half dozen reconnecting me with toronto (have i mentioned the connection has returned as strong as it ever was?... some would call me insane, but then, i am when compared to what humans call normal... it is the right thing to do right now)... all i need is about twice as much time as i get in each day...

and then, as if all that was not enough, there is the long term sleep deprivation taking it's toll in the erosion of this body and brain cells... here i am gathering my wits to explain to myself and to you where i have been and what my mind and body must fit into this life (and we have not included any social life, which does happen too) so i can make some sense of it and perhaps find more efficient use of the time...

fatigue... survival... and all i can hope is you do not feel too slighted by the limited time i can share with you here and in other places... i wish we could share more... i crave more personal and more intimate sharing... i must find ways to work fewer hours, as impossible as that sounds... i must find a way to take at least a week off giving ass little of the nine days in a row to work... i must find a way to fit in more regular exercise and more sleep (softball at 8:30 tomorrow, less than four hours away, and then a game at 11am and another game at 4:30pm and i am on call so i may have to run into work between games or after the last game, maybe a late night at work to start another long work week)... i must find a way to make time to find intimacy and fall in love again... if i do not do these things, i will risk burn out, illness, death, and definitely not be fully satisfied with life, even as i enjoy it immensely from moment to moment...

so there is a summary of life as i know it in e-the-real today...

how's yours? :)

shoulda, coulda, woulda

yeah, slept good last night (not great, but good) and skipped dinner and felt the bloat go away and got home today after an almost two day fast and wasn't really hungry but boom, i eat anyway and suddely i'm hungry ,i>after,/i> i eat dinner... emotional hunger is ridiculous, but i ate some smart start cereal and chocolate milk (fat free) for dessert and once again, feel the bloat...

i did write a bit and downloaded some of the blogs as an xml file (with no formatting) and am looking for a way to actually download the blogs as whole blogs... and att just sent me an email telling me they are discontinuing their web site service so i must find a way to download all of the pages over there in the next few weeks or they'll go pooof, all gone, like the disney sites did... the words are worth saving, after all, cuz someday...

anyway, shoulda skipped dinner tonight and reinforced the fast, maybe some grapefruit and a yogurt... coulda gotten back on the lighter eating lighter body track... woulda been a good thing instead of just a good idea... yea yeah yeah yeahhhhh (thank you beatles :)

so how was your night? :)

back to packing

moving (like movies) really should be a shared experience, which is is why i am leaving these words here for you so you can imagine you are (if you are here) or were (if you are here now) part of the experience...

someday i hope to move all of the boxes from storage just north of niagara falls to somewhere near where i live so i can unpack and get all nostalgic and mushy and i so wish someone would share that experience, but that person would have to truly love me or somehow earn much closeness and want to be much close to me cuz the memories in storage go back to the beginning of time as i've known it in this life...

for tonight, we could explore why the harry potter films and world appeal to me so much (as if being an unwanted orphan was not enough), but even more, we can share the packing experience... yeah, so thanks much for stopping by and being here and sharing cuz moving is so much more fun when shared, ya know :)

for show (and tell)

not just the show, though that is certainly a bit of the story, as is individuality, but the story of this life that most of what is done by people is done for show… even here in e-the-real, I write real thoughts about real life for show in the hope somebody will care to know what is going on in my life, moment to moment… day after day… week after week… year after year (I know, months too)… cuz I want to care and be cared about moment to moment, etc…

the most real show is showing each other we care about each other… and I’ll be here, or somewhere, when you finally show :)

writing a little

yes, up late, nearling or passing the magical 4am mark, regularly these days (and the eyes and muscles and everything physical is showing the fatigue, alas), but what for, what is to come of shortening the life space through lack of sleep by staying awake and writing writing writing?...

this is no place for philosophical conundrums, and besides, who has time :)

make today wonderful :)

this is my house

online, i mean... thought i have many other web addresses where i write a little less and a lot more... and while i wander all over the web (used to be much more than these days, but even now i find time to wander and suddenly in the past week spend hour at facebook finding lots of people i know and knew), this is my house (from the elton john chilling barren house to the warmth, security, and love of the csn&y our house, it's all here and more)... though i would love to share it again someday, loving the solitude too...

i still appreciate the occasional visit :)

suddenly, a 4:37am

i found myself eating a fish sandwich and drinking juicy juice cherry and hoping the microwave cooked the fish enough so i do not get food poisoning, which is not a thought i'd like to actualize today...

and now i should sleep a bit, even though i just ate, because a few hours from now i do need to get a whole lot of mentally challenging work done... well, maybe not so challenging as it is draining, or maybe simply occupying yes, mentally occupying is the right term... never mind all the other terms now... think: polymath!

i spent the last four hours or so on facebook joining groups, fanning pages, adding friends, and leaving the random comment... listening to music on youtube too... and enjoying the hopes and dreams and inspirations and random smiles i found along the way... hope you are enjoying whatever it is you are doing tonight too :)

i was supposed to sleep tonight

cuz i have softball practice in four hours and it is close to freezing outside, which means muscles won't want to stretch much and fatigue just makes injury all the more possible... dummy...

me and my nocturnal lover's hours :)

and so i did

as you might discover if you found one of my latest new blogs, meaningless complaints, i felt inspired to explore blog names tonight and found so many wonderful blog names have died untimely deaths along the way because people just don't seem to respect the written word or posterity (or the illusion of permanence) much these days... once upon a time, it was different...

anyway, i did have much fun with myself tonight and babbling on and on and on and cleaned some and there are new blogs out there, some on the horizon, some down the road, some already kicking off their first entries and then some... i'll update the lists on the right of RealTime one of these days, until then, it's our little secret...

softball in the morning, possibly below freezing temperatures (no running for me, that's for sure), so sleep would be good tonight... i hope you are having fun with yourself too :)

so little me time

and what's the point of me time, one might ask (me, for instance)... especially from the perspective or belief that the primary point of this physical life is sharing... but then, share what?... share everything... and then, share with whom?... with anyone who truly cares... and what do i have to offer in this sharing of everything with anyone who truly cares?... me!...

so instead of going out to a game night with some great friends and having fun, i decided to stay home and take care of me (which of course always includes writing if i am doing it right for me)... who knows, a dozen new blogs may start and while babbling ridiculously, i shall clean and play with myself...

take care of you :)

phew, that was close

the babble almost came and took over e-the-real and thereal could have slipped into and become and gone the way of RealTime and behind the candoor and so many other noble attempts to share in a more normal and therein acceptable and therein theoretically more successful (at least potentially based on the laws of probability and such) in the goal of sharing, which babbling tends to undermine...

i know, here i am again just two minutes later (less, actually, shhhhh) babbling, but catching it none the less and heading off into the other babble places after stopping by here briefly to warn you about the previous few entries where babble almost too over...

must have been a really good new year, aye? :)

hope yours was/is great too :)