the precarious balance

it means so much to so many, on the surface and at infinite depths, and here i am again... i should sleep s i have softball practice most of the day from 9am to 7pm tomorrow... i should head to the gym because i feel inspire and seem to have the energy and made a promise to myself tonight to change my habits and prove i am doing that by stepping on the scale on may first and being under 200 pounds... i am also inspired to write for several reasons... ego is flattered and my emo is touched by the attantion at facebook after finally saying hello to some people there... psyche is challenged and emo is inspired by the events and conversation and interactions of the evening... and today is the birthday of one of the most precious people with the most amazingly beautiful heart i've ever known...

so what do i do... gym.

time moves along

and even if you lived right here and read every word as i wrote it, you might not be here all the time and might miss an entry or few dozen as the words seem to be flowing at a higher rate every day lately... but that's the beauty of the archives, you can always catch up and get your fill if you want to :)

just returning from the gym, a more complete upper body workout and therefore only 22 minutes on the elliptical (including cool down) and i clocked two miles in just under 21 minutes, knocking almost three minutes off again... this was at the intermediate level of the total body workout (last time was beginner level) and my arms were tired from the weight machines workout so i ought to be impressed, except for the fact that i am not...

but it's progress... meanwhile, i was considering a point in an earlier conversation about how some people, through choice or circumstance, are very settled in one place in one routine for many years (like parents who stay with their kids, for instance) and some people live more of a floating life, more ready or able to move on the winds of chance or whim (like a lifelong childless single person)... and while i am much more the latter than the former, i am also quite settled in the sense that i maintain connections with anyone who wishes to stay connected, continue to be supportinve in many ways, and more than any other way, am very settled in words...

the concept of what being settled means brings me to ponder...

it seems to me that sometimes there is a direct association between settled and reliable in human conversations and minds... for the last ten years, here on the web, i've continued an almost daily routing of writing to you and to whomever cares, to my potential romantic partner, to potential true friends, to anyone who cares to read and know me... i maintain contact right here and certainly leave little mystery in how to find me, how to literally look me up and knock on my door... so on this level, i am much more available and settled in a routine of daily sharing than even the most physically settled among us...

so a bit of thereal a little deeper than the usual surface report of life as i live it, just to keep us on our toes and in case you might want to know and do not have time to read through all the babbling in RealTime™ and behind the candoor...

so maybe settled is not as obvious as it appears and i usually see it as the difference between being obligated to remain in a single physical place (or at least have challenges to moving to another place) as settled and being settled within one's self... i've known people who are very much in a settled daily routine in the same town in the same house for life, but still they are rather flighty in their interactions...

in the end, for me, settled is just be a state of mind and in spite of my apparent freedom in this physical life, i may be more settled than anyone i know... while this body i inhabit may have the apparent ease to roam, i am just sitting here waiting for the partner to share words, the space, and the journey :)

did you see did you see?

babbling good idea (i hope)... a project for you (cuz you love me and enjoy shopping)... as you go through you days or wander the internet, your neighborhood shops, please keep an eye out for furnishings you think represent me... shelving, especially, for cds and books and such... remember i am odd, but cool (and love to laugh at myself and be amused by stuff)...

i will love you dearly for every moment you put into this endeavor... i will treasure the results of your searches and hug every idea and concept and suggestion... and the bonus is i'll be as close to with you in physical space if something you choose strikes the right chord and rubs me just the right way to buy it and bring it into the home, my home, the space i am finally ready to start building... is this exciting or what?...

well, if it's what, just move along, nothing to see here... but if it's exciting, well, we have a project now, don't we?... i have no idea what will tickle my fancy or catch my eye or tell me i must bring it into this space and call it my own, but i want to, please, won't you indulge this rare change of heart about the material world?... shelves, things to sit on, a bed even, things to put clothes in, odds and ends, and i must find frames too... more stuff to put on the walls, art of sorts, stuff that is me... my eyes will tell me, your eyes will help me?...

there's always hope :)

choice

if there is connectivity, then there may be magic, however that is not a guarantee, nor bliss nor tragic, it is only what it is, and what you want it to be, what you make of yourself, is your reality... and if you did not know you're only fooling yourself because the radiance is present on your shelf even if you will not see or even if you are blind there is a life in your head and a choice in your mind and you call out in silence or you may smile and wave or you scream up to heaven and pray you to be saved but from what can you answer, oh say can you see, you are running from yourself and hiding from me... you can close your eyes and choose to be blind, but you die every time you close your mind... you can sit in yourself pretending you don't care, you can smile from within as if you are aware, you can live on the edge as if you don't care, but you waste every moment that you do not share...

looking for the up

when i am down, i am not always looking for the up, in fact, if i wanted to be profound i might say that when i am down, it is because i am not seeing the up or even more succinctly, i am down when i do not see the up, but then, the anatomy of a profound statement is not what i came here to explore at this moment... or did i?

two reflections

The mirror does not show you what you look like, the mirror shows you what you see.

The mirror does not show you as you appear, the mirror shows you what you choose to see.

Consciously or not.