lost in her eyes

well, wishful thinking, but seriously lost in the internet tonight as i've sat here for more than eight hours wandering mostly youtube watching and listening hour after hour and you can find much of my wandering and viewing and listening linked in all of the sites i saw pages specially tonight and tomorrow (remind me to fix that link tomorrow if i forget) culminating in the sheer adorableness and musical gifts of zooey deschanel who helped me finally completed the specific sites i saw for amy's birthday (though natalie portman and mila kunis {especially the last link} inspired the title of this entry and sheesh, where are faces like hers around here, sigh and all that)...

alas, and where did the actual physical world romantic i once was wander off to?... not to mention the imaginary one who wrote thousands of loves songs over the years... zooey would understand... yup, i am in love (yeah, lafs {love at first site} once again) with zooey and her music (adorableness is powerful, but mix it with a sultry sweet voice singing all those standards and it's linda ronstadt and melanie all over again) and still, mila's face melts me (seriously lafs)... superficial?... i so wish i had the opportunity to find out (as i laugh myself off to la la land now :)

nite nite and make it a wonderful day :)

sometimes i feel

like nobody really gets me, or cares to, and that is such a very lonely feeling when i want to share... it could be that i am into too many things for anyone to actually share all the things i am into and in trying to find people who share all the things i like to share i do no spend enougyh time/energy with any one person to deveop a truly deep bond - or maybe i am deeper than everybody else (or maybe that's just ego or self-pity) - or maybe it's true... i welcome someone to help find the truth (cuz this sort of thing, assessing the nature of sharing and hy i do not share as much as i want to when i can share everything so easily, takes two, i mean, other opinions can help, but at least one other person who realluy takes the time to know me is kind of necessary or it's all just propositions in my head, cha know?)...

see, thereal is usually surface thoughts and simple reports of everyday events, but there is a deeper thereal too and this entry touches on it... sometimes i want to be in love again... used to be i wanted that all the time and it dominated my motives and thoughts and actions and that got me quite used and abused because i could freely give everything and others do not seem to do that as easily as i do... it's not an all the time want anymore, at least not on the conscious level... but in these moments when i feeling like sharing everything unconditionally trusting and loving, i really want to be in love...

i welcome someone to share that too :)

no harmony for me

the eharmony report based on the 29 points of my profile is on yet another bloh... oh, did i mean blog?... or perhaps blah? lol lam... anyway, that may be autobiographical and may be something else cuz i have no intention of adding anything to it at the moment except the rest of the eharmony profile if i find time for copying and pasting... i know it belongs in the intros in the bios, but i don't have patience to format a page and configure an ftp program (or download one, for that matter), so it is where it is... meanwhile, they sent me two dozen emails already and there are twenty or so "matches" that i cannot contact after tonight, but without a face or detailed information (twenty words is not enough), there's not going to be any initial contact on my part... so it is a come on, worthless for me... but it was interesting to take their psycho-quiz and see the results... and someday, when my princess, comes, she'll wanna know (and this one time, at band camp... :)

in the slightly more tangible world, i slept inconsistently this weekend cuz happiness is an insatiable attention sponge who is constantly begging and waking from a nap at 11pmish to walk him wakes me up and then i'm up the rest of the night... his schedule is so not nocturnal (whereas mine, well, you know) and trying to stay home and rest was not too effective, so while it was a long happiness filled weekend but i could use a day off :)

hope you had fun too :)

woke, slept, woke

relaxing day, walked and ran with happiness, ate baked clams, nodded off during really bad sci-fi movies, babbled, and filled out 93% of an eharmony profile cuz it's free this weekend... meanwhile, they only found seven "matches" for me in the entire world and only one lives within 100 miles... they won't allow a free trial to see photos, so it's pretty much a waste of time as i am not approaching anyone on a dating site without seeing their face... if someone contacts me, i'll respond, but i'm not re-locating or looking for a long distance relationship so, it was something to do... i did get an interesting report from all the profile information that i'll put up somewhere for you to read... somewhere like here...

later :)

and more

yeah, talking 'bout more words 'n stuff, yup, lot's more, gotcha some more out there you missed again, cuz, after all, you missed this one (smirkalicious) and so, that's life.... and another day given to the work, the job, the human race... and another day missing the life inside and the sharing, the live, the life, the music, the words, the intimacy, the magic, the more...

good day, all in all, hope yours was too :)

growing closer

the list, that is... yes, it's a look around thereal in thereal, this blog page, that is, and we find that the section on the right entitled come a little bit closer just like the old song by jay and the americans (oh go listen, you know you want to) or even this guy, but that's only a deeper reference to the concept of the section and all i am trying to point out (oh really, all?... even gilligan knows better, nyuk and all... oh really?) is that the array of linked pages to choose from (or to wander in order listed) to get to know me better (i.e. come a little bit closer, get it?) is growing to stretch well below the length of the page (being the left side entry length of which i refer to, ya see) and that, my friends, just may be the epitome of defeating the purpose of the brevity upon which this blog was founded...

it is becoming apparently obvious that the babblers have been neglected too long... and that is thereal too...

ups and downs

life has been presenting a series of lemons of late and sometimes, i tired of making lemonade, no matter how sweet it comes out... and while i can continue to find humor in everything, i also tire of having to look for it or create it, i mean, sometimes i just want the sweet humor to just be, ya know?...

challenges at work from a director who refuses to cooperate with the program (she's got a goal to be less oppositional, but she's very passive aggressive so she is only succeeding on the surface)... unfortunately, most people are professionally superficial there, so... challenges continue...

challenges at softball from the male egos who do not team well...
from drama queens who do not team well... from professionals who are fun, but too busy to team well... ah, grown ups just don't team well... that's why there are so few really good teams... lots of talent, but few teams...

challenges at the social community from the human race into which i have never comfortable assimilated... some of the reasons are above, but mostly, the reasons are beyond explanation in common language, incomprehensible and all that... kind of like god...

ah, in the end, challenges are so amusing (if you see things through my eyes)... so i'll just mosey on off as i do every day (and night), singing softly to myself, whatever i am doing, and laughing at the futility of the challenges... while i may tire of doing it, i still prefer sweet humor to sour or bitter or frustrating challenges, so i'd rather be tired and happy than not tired and sour or bitter or frustrated... so never mind, aye?...

hope your day was amusing too :)

not sleeping much

and loving every minute of it as friends coax me to push (with a big jolt of help from caffeine) into another later night party mode and we had fun fun fun till the eyes were all closing around me and just eight hours ago when i showed up at the party after moving jackson's stuff for hours in the peak heat of the day and feeling exhausted i was barely able to articulate how tired i was (the conders of the coffee bean and sugar and chocolate) and here we are (after sleeping only four or so hours last night) wired and still gonna go play softabll from 10am to 5pm or so tomorrow cuz the bottom line is i am not gonna find the sharing i am missing by staying home or while i am sleeping, diggity...

and when i die, i die... until then, party on life :)

another long day

early to work, from work to softball, from softball home for dinner... decided i wanted barbeque burger and smoked sausage and did it in the oven on broil and it was surprisingly yummy... stupidity and violence fills the news, as usual, which would lead one to believe humnity is best described as stupid and violent... i'm still looking for proof to the contrary because i am a hopeful child...

but hope alone, like wishing or praying, does not fulfill desire...

sigh :}

slight addiction

yes, as i mentioned in my newly templated bullsugar (whatever that is), i am slightly addicted to my current entry in my video me blog cuz it's fun and i miss fun so very much (among other things)... waking ealier than intended but charged with more energy than usual and every kind of desire to share (and some are undulged much more than others, so balance, dangit! (with and without exclamation points) and i sense a rush of missing babble flooding my inner sanctums)...

games, babbles, lusts, intimacies, exercise, more more more!...

yes, i work too much... wanna save me? :)

yeah, what (must be again)

the yeah, what? title (with and without the question marks) has been the title of a blog (or journal or diary entry) before, certainly, along with it's sibling, yeah, whatever and cousins yeah, so? and yeah, right (ditto about the question marks)... and this entry was opened last night to be nothing as i must have fallen asleep, so that's the real...

miss you too :)

i have been away (worklife)

not out of town, just caught up in the hyper-busy work that multiple investigations creates... my job is primarily twofold... daily performance improvement monitoring, data collection, processing, and analysis that becomes weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual reports... and daily incident and seclusion/restraint reviews to ensure policies are being followed to reduce risk as much as possible... there is not enough time for one person to do it all without working at it more than eight hours a day at least five days a week and that means no days off... each monday there is three days to caught up on... a holiday, a vacation day, a sick day, creates more days to catch up on and there is no one else to do my job when i am not there...

and then there are the things that go wrong that need investigating, extra time and energy to interview, to review video, to meet with external investigators and regulatory agency surveyors to find out what went wrong, if anything we did was wrong, then take action to correct it and ensure it does not happen again... a single investigation can take two days or more, easily, two days or more in which none of the regular work can be done, so two or more days that have to be made up with extra hours... the past two weeks i had seven investigations to juggle and somehow get done along with the daily work... and two of the past three weekends i also was on call, so had extra work on four out of six of the past saturdays and sundays...

and as if that is not enough, a fourth aspect of my job takes even more time... whatever a surveyor arrives, it is my responsibility to provide them with everything they need and that usually means giving them the majority of my time on days they are there and then the majority of the day after they leave producing a report on their findings and an action plan to fix anything they found wrong... since march 1st i've had three full days of surveyors in two separate visits, meaning five days of work for surveys... it is march 21st and so far, there have been 15 working days in the month... four of the six weekend days have been work days as well, so only two weekend days allowed for any catch up... five days of surveys and ten days of investigations and that leaves most of fifteen days of normal work that would require 9-10 hour work days not done...

not enough of a challenge, it only gets more challenging... surveyors are expected for seven of the remaining eight work days of this month... somehow, the full month of daily work must get done as well...

and more... i took two of the fifteen workings days off just to recover and work from home because i can get moe done at home... catch up?... simply does not happen... so i throw skip some reports and throw reports together based skimming data and intuitive analysis, not scientific method simply because there is no time to perform the tasks required for scientific method...

and more... we do not factor in any of the routine filing and physical organizational work required to maintain some semblance of funtional order to the massive volumes of documents that pass through my hands every day... a full 40 hour week of creating file folders and reviewing and filing paper would catch that proces up, if there was only time... this is the real of work life for the moment...

and to survive, if find mental escape in games i enjoy, sometimes with friends, sometimes by myself... and also in audio-visual stimuli, stories brief as songs and long as movies and multi-part tv series... and in writing, though the past two weeks there's been much less time for writing because i needed to escape into external distractions to relieve the internal pressure in the brain... too much thinking, too much stress, doing hundreds of hours of work in a quarter of the time requires intensity that hurts the brain and to heal, escape into other thought processes works for me... a strategy game based on numbers... and sci-fi tv shows that let me leave the normalcy of human life as it is today to imagine a different world, way, and perspective...

i miss you when i am gone, even if you rarely acknowledge you are here... i miss the illusion of sharing, caring, and not being alone... but healing is a solitary process, so i have been away... i am not quite back... i have much more catching up to do at work, much more pressure to put on this brain, and therefore more escape time away from daily babbling as well... but there must be time for babbling... and then, there is the profound desire to continue the sharing in the myriad of other blogs underway... forty four blogs at blogspot alone and then, another half dozen reconnecting me with toronto (have i mentioned the connection has returned as strong as it ever was?... some would call me insane, but then, i am when compared to what humans call normal... it is the right thing to do right now)... all i need is about twice as much time as i get in each day...

and then, as if all that was not enough, there is the long term sleep deprivation taking it's toll in the erosion of this body and brain cells... here i am gathering my wits to explain to myself and to you where i have been and what my mind and body must fit into this life (and we have not included any social life, which does happen too) so i can make some sense of it and perhaps find more efficient use of the time...

fatigue... survival... and all i can hope is you do not feel too slighted by the limited time i can share with you here and in other places... i wish we could share more... i crave more personal and more intimate sharing... i must find ways to work fewer hours, as impossible as that sounds... i must find a way to take at least a week off giving ass little of the nine days in a row to work... i must find a way to fit in more regular exercise and more sleep (softball at 8:30 tomorrow, less than four hours away, and then a game at 11am and another game at 4:30pm and i am on call so i may have to run into work between games or after the last game, maybe a late night at work to start another long work week)... i must find a way to make time to find intimacy and fall in love again... if i do not do these things, i will risk burn out, illness, death, and definitely not be fully satisfied with life, even as i enjoy it immensely from moment to moment...

so there is a summary of life as i know it in e-the-real today...

how's yours? :)

shoulda, coulda, woulda

yeah, slept good last night (not great, but good) and skipped dinner and felt the bloat go away and got home today after an almost two day fast and wasn't really hungry but boom, i eat anyway and suddely i'm hungry ,i>after,/i> i eat dinner... emotional hunger is ridiculous, but i ate some smart start cereal and chocolate milk (fat free) for dessert and once again, feel the bloat...

i did write a bit and downloaded some of the blogs as an xml file (with no formatting) and am looking for a way to actually download the blogs as whole blogs... and att just sent me an email telling me they are discontinuing their web site service so i must find a way to download all of the pages over there in the next few weeks or they'll go pooof, all gone, like the disney sites did... the words are worth saving, after all, cuz someday...

anyway, shoulda skipped dinner tonight and reinforced the fast, maybe some grapefruit and a yogurt... coulda gotten back on the lighter eating lighter body track... woulda been a good thing instead of just a good idea... yea yeah yeah yeahhhhh (thank you beatles :)

so how was your night? :)

to all ships at sea

and anyone keeping in touch or interested in what's going on in the daily wanderings i loosely call my life... i might have been done by now, but instead, i've dragged my feet for weeks and today included and watched most of the superbowl and so, there's still more packing to do... all night, perhaps, with a deadline of 7am so i can shower and get to work to do orientation training... i should be home by 10am, which will give me an hour or so before the maintenance inspection and another hour or so before the movers get here... it's so exciting to be wondering if i am going to get it all done on time...

the oven is going through it's clean cycle... hopefully it does not set off the seriously sensitive smoke alarm in the middle of the night... i need two large burner trays to replace those cuz i only have small ones, which means i must have used the big new ones somewhere along the way... or gave them away... so a trip out to the store is going to be part of the morning trip to work... by then i should have everything done... and get wrinkly hands, since i must have given away my gloves too...

am i getting tired?... yup... am i getting lonely again?... yup... do i wish someone was here to help, or at least to keep me company?... yup... am i going back to packing and cleaning now?... yup...

lol lam narf :)

back to packing

moving (like movies) really should be a shared experience, which is is why i am leaving these words here for you so you can imagine you are (if you are here) or were (if you are here now) part of the experience...

someday i hope to move all of the boxes from storage just north of niagara falls to somewhere near where i live so i can unpack and get all nostalgic and mushy and i so wish someone would share that experience, but that person would have to truly love me or somehow earn much closeness and want to be much close to me cuz the memories in storage go back to the beginning of time as i've known it in this life...

for tonight, we could explore why the harry potter films and world appeal to me so much (as if being an unwanted orphan was not enough), but even more, we can share the packing experience... yeah, so thanks much for stopping by and being here and sharing cuz moving is so much more fun when shared, ya know :)

signed, sealed, delivered, i'm theirs

yes, while i do have 30 days to change my mind, i signed the lease for the new place and gave them all the money to get the keys and take possession of the apartment and i am 98% thrilled and happy...

five things i did not know cuz i was not able to see the apartment are... the microwave is too small, the layout of the apartment gives a smaller feel than other layouts, the patio seems slightly smaller, the air-conditioning units for several apartments are right outside the living room windows (and we're on the first floor), and i think the bedrooms are more directly off the living spaces (less privacy) than the other apartments... not deal breakers, but different than the other places we liked...

a few things we did know that are not ideal, but acceptible, are... the screened patio does not exit to the outside, the kitchen has a single sink, the carpet is more outdoorsy than indoorsy, the bathroom lights don't turn on (a sign of poor maintenance inspections?)

the big YAYs! for me are the rest of the apartment, first floor with a nature walk right off the breezeway, bigger kitchen, bathroom, closets... separate switches for the bathroom lights and the dang annoying loud vent fan (can you tell that was a deal breaker?), flourescent kitchen lighting instead of track lighting (to be able to see in the kitchen, sweet), and everything else...

hopefully jackson will like it when she sees it too (she's not moving in until May, so we can think about changing in the next 30 days)... and now it's time to take this packing gig seriously and then the cleaning deal and then, moving on monday... nobody right here to share the fun and excitement (and chores), but still, the excitement is bubbling over now that i actually signed and have the keys so bouncy bouncy off to pack and clean :)

for show (and tell)

not just the show, though that is certainly a bit of the story, as is individuality, but the story of this life that most of what is done by people is done for show… even here in e-the-real, I write real thoughts about real life for show in the hope somebody will care to know what is going on in my life, moment to moment… day after day… week after week… year after year (I know, months too)… cuz I want to care and be cared about moment to moment, etc…

the most real show is showing each other we care about each other… and I’ll be here, or somewhere, when you finally show :)

two to go

welcome back my friends to the show that never ends and the babbler will continue in another space and time, but for now i simply say to as one who rarely pretends, the can find the answers not in the wind, but in the rhyme...

so as has been the pattern every few years, i find myself corresponding with toronto once again today... a dozen different messages back and forth, or more, and for the first time in ten years, to more than one of the family up there... it is a facebook xmas miracle, no doubt, and there are two more responses to go...

so that's where i've been, i mean, in case you were checking here and there and noticed my absence... someday we will all understand :)

i was supposed to sleep tonight

cuz i have softball practice in four hours and it is close to freezing outside, which means muscles won't want to stretch much and fatigue just makes injury all the more possible... dummy...

me and my nocturnal lover's hours :)

wow, see?... a poll!

referencing the previous title (not necessarily the entry though) that sleep is good cuz just look over on the right and see the newest feature i tried out here in this blog, a poll... i am still deciding if multiple answers are allowed and how long the poll will stay open and whether it will stay in the side bar (cuz the side bar is way too long for a this blog) but decisions decisions can wait until they are made, for now, there's a new feature, a poll...

i expect nobody to use it because i suspect nobody reads this regularly and this entry announcing it will blink into the archive any moment now and i believe most entries here are never read by human eyes, but hey, that is the real, diggidy? (as in, get it>?, however updated and expanded for the new millenium with a little help from a cartoon friend and the writers and Seth, who is as constant an influence in this life as any of the other hundred fifty or so constant influences who'v invaded my brain (with and without unilateral permission... is unilateral the right word there?... someday this, and millions of other rhetorical, semi-rhetorical, quasi-rhetorical, and actual real questions will be answers, but for now, there's a poll!... diggidy?)...

all this cuz i got a reasonably decent night of sleep?... i did wake at the four hours marks and when the phone rang, which was a lot this morning, but still, sleep has not had the positive effect it used to have for the last year or so and i was concerned that the over-tired effect of long-term sleep-deprivation (and overuse of hyphens) may have degenerated the brain cells to the point where they will not regenerate fully ever again, or at least not until several days/weeks/months/years or whatever period of time required is taken/given to sleep in heavenly sleep for as long as necessary to rejuvenate (or regenerate, i believe i mean regenerate cuz i'm not sure rejuvenate is actually possible, but that will require experimentation and more, precise discussion and agreement of definitions, to be decided at a later date)...

stop babbling here now!