and so it's another new year

and what have we done?... sheesh, another year wandering alone... much more social life, much more human interaction than the previous few years... more even than any year in the past ten years... yet still, wandering alone... coming home alone... sleeping alone... being alone... another year alone...

and another year wondering if humans even actually communicate on a daily basis... it was said tonight that even john and yoko, two who expressed an idyllic desire to be with each other, spent much of their days apart in the last five years of john's life... and most couple are apart most of each weekday and how many hours a week do even the most devoted loving couples actually spend together...

and another year of writing words on the web, wondering if i am here to communicate daily or just to record my being alive daily cuz there is no other consistent proof that i ever existed on a moment to moment basis (cuz i remain alone)... at least the babbler, offering the cushion and escape clauses and distance of silliness and irreverence continues to feel the correspondence interaction...

here in the daily life, in thereal, the solitude continues and truly, i wonder if words can bridge the distance on a continuous, daily basis... surely two cannot share moment to moment through words when far apart, unless two were constantly connected by an intercom, a push to talk or endless phone connection... and would that not be just a temporary fix replacement for the physical moment to moment connection that is truly wanted (why else maintain such an electronic connection?)...

ah, here in thereal, long into the first night of the new year, in lonely reverence these things i do ponder... alone, because that is thereal... and after a fun night out, i wonder if the preoccupation with age and the separations and walls it creates is as evident as it seems to me or if i am projecting it myself as once more excuse for not getting closer because the body is bloated and uncomfortable... but such pondering, as real as it is, is for the babbler to take on... and not ready for sleep just yet, so the babbler and rhymer shall be given the fingers now, for there is not much to add to thereal except it was an enjoyable party, half couples and half singles and fun and games and good conversation and we all went home as we came...

and here i am... hope your new year was fun too :)

living in thereal

yeah, i'll just keep coming back while the rest of the world ducks out (or dukes it out) elsewhere cuz i don't have time for the long-winded babbling (or even the brief communications) i still love so much, but don't have the time for to repeat myself either...

today i canceled my big monthly meeting and continue my month of semi-goofing off at work, though i am getting the vital daily stuff done... and a lot of it, cuz year end is a lot of work... and coming home, i cooked up some mushroom lasagna and it was delicious with protein bread and a chocolate rice milk shake... and now, i am nodding off... wisdom says go to bed... wisdom will win soon :)

make life fun without me :)

distracted

the real is i am distracted by reading words written eight to ten years ago as i rediscovered the usenet via google and reading myself and other has become one of those "oh, just one more" things as hours trickle by... egocentric foolishness or pathetic loneliness or creative curiosity or psychological torture or amusement, you can choose the name of the game, i'm just playing it (along with a half pound of ultimate chocolate chip lovers toll house cookie dough, yum :)

work is work, and i lost interest in it this month... as much as i enjoy most of what i do, including the challenges of trying to get a very dysfunctional management family to work together when they have a history of rejecting a quality improvement person, probably because they are too insecure, there are too many passive aggressive games being played by mid-level managers who spend much of their time playing "poor-me i'm so overwhelmed and confused" while undermining progress... perhaps i'll find it more interesting after the holidays...

and the bloat remains even as i return to socializing again this week (see calendar for details)... dinner with a couple of dozen at a Thai restaurant tonight... actual eye contact was made for more than five secons, which was quite an interesting experience...

as i am torn between accepting the futility of relating to humans (or finding a human who can/will relate to me as i am) and feeling the hunger to share more with someone outside of my head and again finding empty hands, weak depressed people, and neediness all around, there's a whole lot of fuckem if they can't take a joke in my perspective recently and who knows what next week or month might bring...

but then, maybe, there's always hope (which brings the laughter back :)

part of my mood is not having enough time for introspection and creativity, but then, that's life in the real for all but a small percentage of extremely wealthy people who have no responsibilities for life's bills... but hey, i don't really need sleep, right? (and we pretend to forget the entries of just a day and few ago as we shlip off giggling into the night riding a bloated belly full of sugar chocolate and all the magic that goes along with that suicidal combination... someone save my life tonight, or don't, i'm having fun either way (though i still miss sharing and all that sharing can be, incorrigible romantic fool that i am... nyuk and all)...

i hope you are enjoying your december too, narf :)

mostly for me

just a moment ago, upon returning from another night of spending, bloating, and the same old same old, i asked myself, self... why do you do it?... and the answer came back at me from myself before i could think about it and i heard... i do it for me, mostly... and i wonder if that is selfish... and i do believe it is... and i wonder if that is why i am alone... or is it simply because i am too honest about it and dare to ask and answer... that's me, pondering the corner...

same for coming here and writing consistently... this time, the words, the thinking, the uploading to the internet, is mostly for me... while i would love people to care enough to want to know me and maybe even care about me and while i would love it if i had friends who wanted to read me every day anywhere in the world, near or far, and while i'd love more interaction and i do continue uploading with that hope, for that reason, for the daily sharing i long to remember and share again any way it can be, i continue for me too and these days, alone in space and here, it's mostly for me...

cuz it is my dream after all... to share, i mean... posterity and memory and fantasy and what could be all play a role too... and someday, when someone does come along to care enough to want to be part of daily life sharing the moments, we can look back and see what follies and foibles and fun and stuff i did all these days... for the fun of it... for the learning experience... for the sharing... and for us... and until then, it's mostly for me...

slept late, to three or so, then headed out to pick up precious and drive to meet rasputin and buy dinner and movies and desserts... and precious needs more too, alas, to register for school... and i wonder if this too is why i am alone, cuz who would want to share my giving ways... somebody, i hope, i dream...

i hope your day was fun :)

blink and it's a new day

and a new entry, if i am in touch with the moods and ebbs and flows of life within and around me... i've got pieces of babbling waiting for continuance and uploading but i've been falling asleep while writing the past few evenings so the babbler is itching (probably why i woke early even though i am still way sleepy)... waking tired and achy due to sugar/chocolate overdosing the past week, and lack of exercise, bloated and duh... not enough time for the gym though, so either tonight (which is not as happening as it needs to be) or wake even earlier tomorrow... must not forget about the body (since i'm the only one interested in it these days - oh, that's a self-zinger i should not be laughing at so easily, but then, there's no accounting for my sense of humor)...

nothing planned for this evening, so maybe i'll get motivated (and stay away from the chocolate that is all around work, including my office, cuz of the halloween think, aye?)... maybe some unpacking and moving in? (sheesh, what a life)...

so anything new or exciting going on in yours?...

how about old and mundane?...

make it fun :)