sleeping tdl (to do list)

one of the to do lists that waits for more time and motivation is this to do list of things i'd like to do but not at the moment (so these things on this to do list are waiting for time and motivation just like the to do list itself, aye?... ummmm, ok)... since this sort of came out of the sleep cycle, the list may seem random and maybe even in need of some organization like as in to do on the web and to to asap and to do around the house and to do soon and to do eventually and to do with others and to do after i do something else that needs to be done before i can do this and so on, but hey, it's a list... 

• search for all the profiles of me on the web (some i didn't even create like 
• search for all the profiles of me that i've created on the web
• find a friend offline who wants to share the search for who we are on the web
• put labels on all of the entries in all of my blogs
• see if the labels make any sense
• consider making sense of the labels if they don't seem to make sense
• edit my writings
• publish my writings
• make enough money to retire
• retire
• clean out the car
• buy a new car
• buy a new house
• fall in love again
• reconnect with old friends
• share uninhibited sex
• remember me
• actualize me
• clean out the boxes in the bedroom closet and bedroom
• unpack the books and find shelving for them
• read more
• get stuff out of ny storage and sort through and so on
• sort through and organized all the music i've got on cds and on the computer
• run more
• exercise more
• remember i have abs
• organize this and other tdls (to do lists)
• create an abbreviation list for reference to all the random abbreviations i create
• include what i intend to mean with the labels on that abbreviation list
• find, update, or recreate my personal dictionary
• share my personal dictionary with close friends so they might understand me when i talk to them
• find time for all this
• find a friend who wants to know me well enough to find time for all this
• continue this and other tdls

so anyway, there's what came from the relatively deep of last night... who knows what might come from relatively deep sleep another night... or even from seriously deep sleep once the arm no longer nags, aye?...

are we having fun yet? :)
 

not quite yet

and we lose the option of sleeping four hours, most likely, as the entries for the day of the date (it's no secret, really) and the time of year... we have come a long way from woodstock, even from woodstock two, or three, for that matter and the fact is nobody knows... unless you want to... so perhaps i can close my eyes and sleep now...

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

no coincidence, aye?...

nite nite :)

sometimes i feel

like nobody really gets me, or cares to, and that is such a very lonely feeling when i want to share... it could be that i am into too many things for anyone to actually share all the things i am into and in trying to find people who share all the things i like to share i do no spend enougyh time/energy with any one person to deveop a truly deep bond - or maybe i am deeper than everybody else (or maybe that's just ego or self-pity) - or maybe it's true... i welcome someone to help find the truth (cuz this sort of thing, assessing the nature of sharing and hy i do not share as much as i want to when i can share everything so easily, takes two, i mean, other opinions can help, but at least one other person who realluy takes the time to know me is kind of necessary or it's all just propositions in my head, cha know?)...

see, thereal is usually surface thoughts and simple reports of everyday events, but there is a deeper thereal too and this entry touches on it... sometimes i want to be in love again... used to be i wanted that all the time and it dominated my motives and thoughts and actions and that got me quite used and abused because i could freely give everything and others do not seem to do that as easily as i do... it's not an all the time want anymore, at least not on the conscious level... but in these moments when i feeling like sharing everything unconditionally trusting and loving, i really want to be in love...

i welcome someone to share that too :)

woke, slept, woke

relaxing day, walked and ran with happiness, ate baked clams, nodded off during really bad sci-fi movies, babbled, and filled out 93% of an eharmony profile cuz it's free this weekend... meanwhile, they only found seven "matches" for me in the entire world and only one lives within 100 miles... they won't allow a free trial to see photos, so it's pretty much a waste of time as i am not approaching anyone on a dating site without seeing their face... if someone contacts me, i'll respond, but i'm not re-locating or looking for a long distance relationship so, it was something to do... i did get an interesting report from all the profile information that i'll put up somewhere for you to read... somewhere like here...

later :)

holy time moving

i was enjoying whatever i was doing yesterday and last night so much that i fogot to come here and tell you about it... must have been fun... it was something about enjoying getting into my own head and wandering the web wherever it might lead and softball in the evening followed by basketball (cuz softball was not satisfying physically) and then cooked dinner and wandered youtube and the web all night and then, slept all day (almost) and the nocturnal clock is buzzing and the excitment of feeling the nocturnal clock buzzing is bouncing all over the place and so, yay :)

growing closer

the list, that is... yes, it's a look around thereal in thereal, this blog page, that is, and we find that the section on the right entitled come a little bit closer just like the old song by jay and the americans (oh go listen, you know you want to) or even this guy, but that's only a deeper reference to the concept of the section and all i am trying to point out (oh really, all?... even gilligan knows better, nyuk and all... oh really?) is that the array of linked pages to choose from (or to wander in order listed) to get to know me better (i.e. come a little bit closer, get it?) is growing to stretch well below the length of the page (being the left side entry length of which i refer to, ya see) and that, my friends, just may be the epitome of defeating the purpose of the brevity upon which this blog was founded...

it is becoming apparently obvious that the babblers have been neglected too long... and that is thereal too...

memories

the sound of music flashes on before my eyes (cuz my fingers press the remote, it's not magic) and the flash-backs to some of the most wonderful sharings of this life fill my head with misty memories (and my eyes with warm fuzzies)... this is when i miss sharing intimacy most, when i feel the wonderful emo that lives in memories cuz as much as life is a celebration for me every moment, the intensity of sharing intimacy does increase the visceral experience exponentially... the best thing about this moment, besides the feelings, is the fact that i can still feel them even after all this time (after all these years, too :)

do it again?... wouldn't it be nice...

if i just see the connections

or is it... if i just make the connections... am i asking?... am i asking now?...

everything in this world is so skewed by human judgments, by preconceptions of right and wrong, how can anyone have a clearly objective perspective or understanding of anything?...

brains cells frying

the body is demanding sleep and shutting down major portions of the brain... this is an experience i have not felt quite this way before in this life and i've been much more fatigued than i am at the moment... blurry is the world right now...

still, i want you to know...

so from 7:40am when i woke through through just after noon i was at the competitive team softball practice and then i shopped for food and lunch and then at 1pm i headed to the other practice and pushed on through past 5pm when i rushed home, showered, redressed, and went to the game night for the academy awards and here i am, home again home again, and all that jazz... and now i will forgo the muses calling out for more writing time and placate the lonelies and hungers with the promise of the wonderful feeling of actually getting more sleep (probably not time to get enough tonight, alas)...

i'm just summarizing in case you wanted to know... take care and keep in touch :)

feeling lighter

at least the wallet is... meanwhile, feeling tired... must be waking in a deeper stage of sleep... and a flood of carbs last night after a few days of minimal carnbs doesn't help... and probably somewhat emotionally drained as well... i feel especially alone (and lonely) in this world when i give a whole lot away... giving is wonderfuly, but i miss sharing... when will the right one come along, anyway... anyway, must wake up, big day today...

so what is up (or down) in your world? :)

time moves along

and even if you lived right here and read every word as i wrote it, you might not be here all the time and might miss an entry or few dozen as the words seem to be flowing at a higher rate every day lately... but that's the beauty of the archives, you can always catch up and get your fill if you want to :)

just returning from the gym, a more complete upper body workout and therefore only 22 minutes on the elliptical (including cool down) and i clocked two miles in just under 21 minutes, knocking almost three minutes off again... this was at the intermediate level of the total body workout (last time was beginner level) and my arms were tired from the weight machines workout so i ought to be impressed, except for the fact that i am not...

but it's progress... meanwhile, i was considering a point in an earlier conversation about how some people, through choice or circumstance, are very settled in one place in one routine for many years (like parents who stay with their kids, for instance) and some people live more of a floating life, more ready or able to move on the winds of chance or whim (like a lifelong childless single person)... and while i am much more the latter than the former, i am also quite settled in the sense that i maintain connections with anyone who wishes to stay connected, continue to be supportinve in many ways, and more than any other way, am very settled in words...

the concept of what being settled means brings me to ponder...

it seems to me that sometimes there is a direct association between settled and reliable in human conversations and minds... for the last ten years, here on the web, i've continued an almost daily routing of writing to you and to whomever cares, to my potential romantic partner, to potential true friends, to anyone who cares to read and know me... i maintain contact right here and certainly leave little mystery in how to find me, how to literally look me up and knock on my door... so on this level, i am much more available and settled in a routine of daily sharing than even the most physically settled among us...

so a bit of thereal a little deeper than the usual surface report of life as i live it, just to keep us on our toes and in case you might want to know and do not have time to read through all the babbling in RealTime™ and behind the candoor...

so maybe settled is not as obvious as it appears and i usually see it as the difference between being obligated to remain in a single physical place (or at least have challenges to moving to another place) as settled and being settled within one's self... i've known people who are very much in a settled daily routine in the same town in the same house for life, but still they are rather flighty in their interactions...

in the end, for me, settled is just be a state of mind and in spite of my apparent freedom in this physical life, i may be more settled than anyone i know... while this body i inhabit may have the apparent ease to roam, i am just sitting here waiting for the partner to share words, the space, and the journey :)

yo-yo

back up again... the four hour cycle is so consistent once i allow the body sleep instinct to control itself... the phone rang a few, people wondering what i am doing for new years eve... and a web request that needs time for a return call... maybe i will not sit home resting this year (which is what i do from time to time) since i am doing that me time the week before this year... a group went to see yes man tonight at the imax, but i chose sleep instead... the body appreciates me listening... the mind (and ethereal me) appreciates this me time... even if it seems a little selfish...

next step is to get the mouth (as in taste buds) under control... being a foodaholic is not wise at this stage of life, or at any stage, i suppose, though i could burn off the binges a whole lot faster and easier in my teens and even my twenties...

all by myself, alas... as always, so far, at least, in this life...

the space is much clearer now and it looks big... the entry, dining, living room area is one big space about 30' by almost 14' with a 10' by 10' kitchen open to the entry/dining area, so sitting out here the space feels big when it's relatively empty... the whole apartment is just under 900 square feet, probably including the walk-in closet, walk-in laundry room, and pantry... i think the ceilings are 9', though they seem higher... all in all, the space is great, even better as i start actually moving in and making more of the space useful for something other than storage... furniture?... maybe next year :)

obviously i could have gotten away with saving a couple of thousand dollars in a smaller place this year, but who knew i was going to be loaning/giving my furniture money to others... i can say no, i just seldom do when i have... haves should not hoard, i say... though have-nots do need to learn to get and sustain their own too... where is my wise life partner again?... oh yeah, haven't found her... or him, if we're talking partnering for $ and business... and alas, i sense the loneliness wanting to bubble up to the surface... natural, as it must be felt before i can actually share all of me again (and i considering sharing all of me again?)...

why else unpack and clean up the space and take me time, aye? :)

the peanut gallery and ego think they are so clever... silly gits, little do they know they are only kids playing in the schoolyard while i nap through life... thereal me (blending the ethereal me and the physical me to reach for all of me) may wake up next year... or not, but maybe is better than no mention at all :)

so whatcha been up to since four hours ago? :)

wow, everybody must be busy

while is super great, unless i am reading the silence in my email and comments and notes and such on all my multitude of email addresses and web pages and so one and so forth (and scooby doo and rooty too and all the rest too) and some of you are out there sinking into lonely solitude or holiday blues or a psychotic break or worse, manic xmas shopping/wrapping/business without feeling more than the price tags and seasonal expectations (or expectpatrons, for that matter)...

seldom does a day go by without some contact through the internet (and i don't mean the usual few dozen emails from meetup.com or the other sign-up stuff that comes to my gmail or the thousands of spam emails that go tovarious addresses i seldom check anymore... i mean personal contact from someone i actually know beyond a passing hello and in most cases, at least on the phone)...

today was such a rare day... so i hope life is full of wonder and excitement and pleasure and enjoyment and meaningfulness and stuff that feels good, or at least productive at least... and if not, i will share with you two facts you can accept or reject, but they remain facts nonetheless... first, mr. soul may have been the first rap song, or at least deep in the roots... and second, but far from less important to me, i love you... and you are thought about and cared about and loved all through my life in thereal...

i may only be here a few moments a day, but you are loved all the time...

and wherever you are, whatever you are doing...

may you feel the same way about you :)

mostly for me

just a moment ago, upon returning from another night of spending, bloating, and the same old same old, i asked myself, self... why do you do it?... and the answer came back at me from myself before i could think about it and i heard... i do it for me, mostly... and i wonder if that is selfish... and i do believe it is... and i wonder if that is why i am alone... or is it simply because i am too honest about it and dare to ask and answer... that's me, pondering the corner...

same for coming here and writing consistently... this time, the words, the thinking, the uploading to the internet, is mostly for me... while i would love people to care enough to want to know me and maybe even care about me and while i would love it if i had friends who wanted to read me every day anywhere in the world, near or far, and while i'd love more interaction and i do continue uploading with that hope, for that reason, for the daily sharing i long to remember and share again any way it can be, i continue for me too and these days, alone in space and here, it's mostly for me...

cuz it is my dream after all... to share, i mean... posterity and memory and fantasy and what could be all play a role too... and someday, when someone does come along to care enough to want to be part of daily life sharing the moments, we can look back and see what follies and foibles and fun and stuff i did all these days... for the fun of it... for the learning experience... for the sharing... and for us... and until then, it's mostly for me...

slept late, to three or so, then headed out to pick up precious and drive to meet rasputin and buy dinner and movies and desserts... and precious needs more too, alas, to register for school... and i wonder if this too is why i am alone, cuz who would want to share my giving ways... somebody, i hope, i dream...

i hope your day was fun :)

blink again, evening

amazing, isn't it?... yeah, i know, the logic escapes us fools blogging away day after day for one or two crumbs a week, but i know you're out there (and i love my delusions and posterity finds me amusing, but that's gonna take a thousand years or a few to be seen, so just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show, even the parts you miss cuz they'll be here, or somewhere, when you finally catch up with the wheels of time)...

it's just too much fun for me to sit down after work, or before, or after softball or parties or game nights or whatever i do the other 95% of the time i am not writing, and babble on a bit as if multitudes of millions are waiting with baited breath for my next literary gem... and if a literary gem happens to be carved out of seventy billion words, cool, some lucky fool like us will find it and dance with glee over whatever it is, cuz that's what we do, ya know...

kittens and puppies and infants get it, even if they can't read...

so another fine day at work with fun and frolic cuz i have that autonomy and a few key bits get done and everybody's happy... my office looks like that guy in the basement of office space (really ought to clean it up, aye?) and we're all having fun (well, i am, it may take a while for the other humans to catch up)... the babbler is running around kicking all the words out of my head and so here i am waiting for dinner to cook and being a being without a tv, the music plays and until next i spit a few words into this box to inspire a smile (someday, you'll see), i say hello world, how ya doing?... yea, thereal in the house...

so, how ya? :)

riding the flow

the sort of plan or semi-intention was to take the five day weekend that coincided with the personal calendar memory holiday and dive into the memory box and see what feelings and inspirations and gunk and stuff might come out in words... i used to do that for years, every year, on personal holidays, but have drifted from the reminiscent patterns more and more as time passes... i do not think it is because i feel less and i know it is not because i forget, it is because i do not make it a priority to make the time for it... i was much more selfish with my personal holiday time once upon a time... now, much more, i ride the flow of external influences in the real, the physical, the now, and the sharing whenever it is available... still, there is the real inside that should not be ignored, so perhaps i will find time soon for self-time, even if it is not shared, cuz that is how i maintain balance and the relatively constant smile (with or without the buddha belly :)

so the self-time was nudged aside by sharing time with others in their physical spaces, emergencies at work, telephone sharing, softball and socializing, and that very much inspires big smiles from the social parts of me... and the self, much like a faithful old dog, awaits... i wonder if dogs feel loneliness as people do...

i think i'll write for myself tonight and see where the words end up :)

speeding bullets don't lie

oh gee, this blog whenever there's a moment thing does not allow me to advertise my specific requests and please and desires and such and such very well, does it?... i mean, before anybody can read my heart felt plea for some serious interior decorating assistance and advice and such, the entry is gone into the archives and nobody saw...

sigh...

life really does move way too fast, doesn't it?... well, that's the title reference, anyway, though i know it could have been much more dramatically morbid even, just the speed of life seems faster than a speeding bullet sometimes, metaphorically speaking... or writing, to be precise... and so, a day full of doing stuff at work, number crunching, emailing, training assistants, thinking about projects and not so much working on the stuff due on monday... but i'm a bit ahead of schedule, or at least i was when the day started, so hope remains a big smile... or something like that...

and home, to this desperately needing interior decorating assistance space (did you dee, did you see?, cooking up some eggplant parm and spaghetti and relaxing with the music and the pleasures of privacy and the light fluffy clouds of the lonelies (they get that way sometimes, which is good, cuz they can be such a drag at other times)... it is good to enjoy me by myself (of course that's just my opinion and i may be wrong, but you know what?... nobody can ever prove it (only i can see through my eyes... the silver lining behind the clouds, i just wear it out in front of mind sometimes, ya see?), nyuk :)

if only everybody enjoyed life like this, what a wonderful world it would be... stupid humans (just had to, giggling all the way :)

who really wants thereal?

ethereal is so much easier, so much less obligation to be real, obviously, and so much less what?... threatening?... vulnerable?... uncomfortable?... work?

yesterday was a long and tiring day in which i got a lot accomplished at work and was asked for a lot more because nobody actually knows what i do, the lament of a number cruncher in a world afraid of math (and geeks everywhere laugh, unless of course you're depressed and then, well, get over it and find other geeks who understand... obviously i'm trying, don'tcha see? :)

it ended with a solid win in softball, would have been a shutout but i always offer sympathy pitches in the last inning when we're way ahead, so the game ended 14-2... yay team... jackson came out to play with us too... yay jackson... and then we went to ale house where i pigged out, fool, and this morning i feel sick cuz i either ate too much or something wasn't all that good, maybe the shrimp, cuz i woke several times in the past five hours to upset stomach and loose poop...

thereal, not exactly in your face, but out here... and yesterday started with yet another entry and so many entries recording thereal, the life, is it me?... well, it's not memorex... some sort of hybrid, perhaps, waiting for someone to invest in the birthing or something like that... life as i know it...

what's yours like, really?...

4:47 am

i sit here alone typing these words... no one home but me... the clock moves silently... and in the morning when the world wakes up i'm still alone... no hug, no kiss, no eye contact... no playful glance or plans with anyone... off to my day... no one to take care of or to care for me... no one to depend on or depending on me... except work... this is reality...

where are you?... what are you doing?... are you alone?... who is in your house?... and in the morning when the world wakes up are you alone?... hugs, kisses, eye contact?... play or glances to start your day?... plans to follow through on with a family?... anyone depend on you?... anyone care for you?... what is your reality?...

for us to relate to each other honestly we must accept the differences in our realities and understand the perspectives are influenced by those differences... and then we can match similarities and enjoy connections more deeply because we undertsnad the differences and are closer to each other for that...

if this doesn't make any sense to you, just write it off as the babblings of a lonely child who woke at 4:47 am and wanted to share something with someone, but no one was here...

daze go bye

another morning rushed through to find a few moments extra sleep and then speed shower and race out to work (so this entry never did get uploaded)...

but i was sitting here last night starting to write these words and then i fell asleep so now they find their way into the morning... cuz i want to keep in touch with you (with someone dammit) all the time so i am doing my best to stop by every moment i am home to say hello (omigosh, soon i'll be twittering... naaaa, that's taking it a bit to far, aye?) cuz then maybe someone else will see i am here i am here i am here (just like the who down in whoville) and pay attention and stay in touch and share a life...

ah, fine way to start a morning, cheerful and hopeful and dreamy-like :)

hope your day shines :)