and more

yeah, talking 'bout more words 'n stuff, yup, lot's more, gotcha some more out there you missed again, cuz, after all, you missed this one (smirkalicious) and so, that's life.... and another day given to the work, the job, the human race... and another day missing the life inside and the sharing, the live, the life, the music, the words, the intimacy, the magic, the more...

good day, all in all, hope yours was too :)

the real?

all those years ago, long before this blog began, long before RealTime™ and behind the candoor and planet candora and the live journals and the online roots (at least one of them) and the letters, the years before the internet when I wrote so many thousands of letters to friends, lovers, imaginary lovers, imaginary friends (yes, each of these could be linked to yet another website themed somewhat around the concept in the words, really, and less than a tenth of a percent of the written gardens ever made it online, but that’s a boast of a different horse, so get on with it, will ya?) and even before then, when I filled many thousands of pages, pads and books of all sorts, writing daily for year after year for decades and a lifetime, yes, even before all that there was a child in love… and today, we celebrate…

happy birthday amy

the precarious balance

it means so much to so many, on the surface and at infinite depths, and here i am again... i should sleep s i have softball practice most of the day from 9am to 7pm tomorrow... i should head to the gym because i feel inspire and seem to have the energy and made a promise to myself tonight to change my habits and prove i am doing that by stepping on the scale on may first and being under 200 pounds... i am also inspired to write for several reasons... ego is flattered and my emo is touched by the attantion at facebook after finally saying hello to some people there... psyche is challenged and emo is inspired by the events and conversation and interactions of the evening... and today is the birthday of one of the most precious people with the most amazingly beautiful heart i've ever known...

so what do i do... gym.

cuz i want someone to know

the real life daily life mundane details of thereal as i know it today, alone and sometimes stirring my crazy and sometimes escaping into light social play and sometimes mourning my losses and sometimes euphoric in my imagination and sometimes burning myself at a stake for my mistakes and sometimes eating my way into bloat just to feel the sensual rush in this body and sometimes pushing the run for hours just to feel the aging sensual rush in this body and sometimes wishing on stars and sometimes driving fast cars and sometimes dreaming i could somehow start all over again and sometimes loving the moment... alone, because nobody seems to be able to reach me, get me, or maybe it's just cuz nobody wants to share the time, but then, occasionally, someone says they want to, so maybe i'm just somewhere nobody can find... and i don't always want to be alone, even though i love everything in most moments whether i am alone or not, so i come here to share the moments of the day in catch-up form... cuz i want someone to know...

between the lines

when all is said and done in the final hour, at the bottom line, the question may ultimately be... do i want my faith in humanity restored?...

it was all illusionary in the first place, a fairy tale within a dream that i forged from nothing more than fairy tales and dreams and stories others appeared to be living... the fact that i hung on to it for so many years, decades, eons, is a testimony to my stubbornness and fortitude and strngth and in the end, perhaps my foolishness...

but this life is what we want it to be and i so wanted it to be the goodness of the human heart...

unconditional love

where the hell did i ever buy into that ridiculous concept.

in my mind, all in my mind... and that, in the end, is where the decision will be made.

choice

if there is connectivity, then there may be magic, however that is not a guarantee, nor bliss nor tragic, it is only what it is, and what you want it to be, what you make of yourself, is your reality... and if you did not know you're only fooling yourself because the radiance is present on your shelf even if you will not see or even if you are blind there is a life in your head and a choice in your mind and you call out in silence or you may smile and wave or you scream up to heaven and pray you to be saved but from what can you answer, oh say can you see, you are running from yourself and hiding from me... you can close your eyes and choose to be blind, but you die every time you close your mind... you can sit in yourself pretending you don't care, you can smile from within as if you are aware, you can live on the edge as if you don't care, but you waste every moment that you do not share...

perspective ego

you might think that you are why this is happening, but you are only why you are happening, this is what is happening to me. this blog is a puzzle when it should be a path to clarity, but if we ask why, we might find more than one contradictory answer for ego does not always agree with the heart or libido, for that matter, and the other compartments (id, superego, spirit, soul, anima, ka, cha, wah wah and so on, depending on dictionary) will present amusingly diverse (and potentially conflicting) testimony that will disrupt the routine flow of thoughts in our heads. so believe what you will, but try not to expect what you believe to be true, for mostly, expectations lead to disappointments, especially when ego leads the way.

life is life, work is work, play is play

simple facts we should all remember. and the ceo reminded me today that understanding and caring are not part of the organization i work for as instead of inquiring how i felt after i had called in two days in a row (which amounts to two days more of sick time use than i had in the past year or two, even), i was sort of reprimanded. we concluded our conversation with me thanking him for giving me permission to call him on his cell phone at any time if i had a real emergency because he needs me to stay in touch. i recognized he was upset more due to his insecurity and helpless feeling (as, for one thing, nobody knows how to do what i do in the place because nobody cross-trains and nobody has the skills even if there was good management that included cross-training), so i gave him what he wanted to hear and hopefully all is well.

softball was fun tonight.