in the middle of life

the roller coaster of life is spectacular when we allow the highs to take off without limits but the flip side of letting go allows the lows to come crashing down beyong the emotional pain thresholds most humans want to deal with, so most people hold back and learn how to appear to control their emotions through physical, emotional, and chemical distraction and therein pretend they are in control... but it's all a lie...

for the few who let the roller coaster roll where it will go, the survival rate is not so great... many hit lows and skip way off the tracks and end up dead... and then there's me... i just feel it all at once all the time and in the midst of bliss can feel the tears... awareness is a bitch, ya know?...

giving stuff, buying stuff for people into stuff is a rush, a thrill, an addiction... it gives me a sense of worth and a rush of joy... the only rub is when the gifts given are not appreciated openly because guilt or something keeps someone from being honest about how much they appreciate it, or something like that... but i love to give so i buy and give even when it's not so wise (like when i am not working)...

so i don't want to think about how much money i spent even as i enjoyed spending it and i know must set some more limits, even during this gift-giving season (but i don't and never have and why start now?... cuz work gets harder to find as the years pass and the rent still needs to be paid and i gave away all my retirement savings and nobody is going to take care of me when i get feeble... why am i answering the question, anyway?... cuz i look at life from both sides now and all the time, remember?)...

yeah, logic, sensibleness, responsibility, and the reality of life, aging, and living a long time... where's the fun in that? (snark)...

ah, perhaps i will find more will power tomorrow...

because every moment holds meaning

why do it... why push the body to its limits and beyond instead of just enjoying the pleasures of life... because the body can experience pleasures more when it is in optimal alignment and condition and we do not have to settle for less... and why come to the web to write, to record the simple and complex details of day to day life... because every moment holds meaning and when alone, this is the only hope this moment ever has of being shared...

and a shared moment is an optimized experience, just as an optimized body can experience the shared moment all the more... so i do... and the gym body tells me how far back i've slid once again... age and gravity... and the moment is fixed at this crossroad... the past brings memories of unconditional love and trust and devotion, a treasure, perhaps life's greatest treasure, even in a memory... and tomorrow brings more challenge for the body, so sleep must come soon for optimal recovery and preparation... and tonight brought inspiration and the promise of hope, a treasure, and perhaps the only way to life's greatest treasure of all, for without hope, there is no unconditional love, trust, or devotion...

eliminate the excess sugar, fat, and other carb calories... realign the routine with optimal healthy feelings... realign the spine with the forces of nature and the spirit/hope of sentient sensuosity... and sleep...