talking to friends

so i spent a couple of hours talking to a couple of sort of old friends less than ten years... i haven't kept in touch with really old friends enough to consider them part of my life other than an occasional like on facebook) and now i feel more down than i did before partly because talking about not having income makes it more real (and i have not looked at the bills or budget and must cut back on expenses but i just want to be an irresponsible child and wallow in self-puty for a while, m'ok?) and because i realize that i neglected friends as much as i've neglected myself and everything else as i realize i've been burning out in recent months... year?... who cares?... not that i asked, but i know no one who can help me financially... though i would have a couple of places to stay if i needed it and that is reassuring...

it does not help that jackson and i have not talked about how we are going to cover bills and avoiding that is even more stressful than having no income... i don't know how much of the bills she can cover orhow much of my savings i will have to go through and what she would do if i ran out of money... limbo sucks...

thoughts of what she would do if i was no longer here pass through my head... would she be better off?... would she freak out?... living with someone for year, i think six or seven by now, moving on is not something i just want to do suddenly... and i really have no desire to not live with jackson, we get along and i would miss her like crazy, but she's bound to move on sooner or later... everybody does (including me)... we're not mated for life and don't pretend to be... we are best friends... we just don't discuss finances much... and now, i am stressing out over depleting my savings because i've been paying most of the bills for years and don't have income... pretty simple, really...

just need to win the lottery...

narf...