while google-blogger tried to stop me around the fiftieth, i uploaded 66 entries (boom) in the past 36 hours mostly because i was too busy or lazy to upload entries for the past two weeks... momentary relations... are the fantasies that keep me grounded as life, well, the bliss is not always as constant as it appears... for the moment, it's a dreary thing that comes now and then, a form of depression only vaguely like the usual human kind, mostly because i do not relate to much to the human mind... it is more a vacation from caring about anything, a time to stop feeling the vast sadness and madness that is humanity so i can rest... the irony (or something like that) is that the human body i live in does not do well with the lack of sleep that comes with this sort of dreary thing (for lack of a better name... it appears dreary in human form, though there is no human word to exactly express it)... from a human perspective, it is feeling too much... feeling so much, that the body is overwhelmed and the brain simply shuts down... there are many names for it... autism, alzheimers, dementia, intellectual disability (once called mental retardation)... humans like labels...
playing chess
avoiding
life is a mess
little sleep
mind in fog
living life
inside a blog
some of you may understand the escape that living in the words provides... some of you function in the world holding jobs or doing normal things, large and small... humans seem to thrive on drama yet it is all so superficial and so few ever know... it could be said that everybody middle aged always things the world is coming to an end... it never does, but that is so hollywood cliche, even if it is true... the best we can do is choose our fantasy and live it with all of our energy and if we are lucky, we find a little happiness along the way... if you are like me, you do what you can to fit in with the humans and sometimes forget how dreary it can be... except now and then, the truth rises from within and the consequences are this dreary thing, the fatigue and fog and appearance of what might be called depression... apathy, ambivalence, and a sleepless laziness that does nothing yet never rests...
the games we play
they'd never know
we are this way
here deep inside
where we don't hide
ourselves inside
a world denied
as you may have noticed sleeplessness increasing... (or sleepless, even, aye?)... days on end without sleep just to reach the promised land for a few moments and then, since we remain here in this human form on this planet, we return to the daily activities of being human with clouds in our eyes so we can fit in...
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narf :)
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