lonely

ok, so putting all the kidding aside, in spite of the wonder and excitement to experience most every moment inside of me and the incorrigible sense of humor laughing at everything and the infallable hope still believing in the dreams of love and sharing and caring, i am lonely... as much fun as i have by myself (and as much as i treasure my alone time), i am lonely (where is that robin williams quote/meme?... yeah, he got it... he gave up though... would i?... i don't think so, but i was not in his circumstance and i did not live his life... i do feel all alone in this world though... but loneliness is not reason enough for me to want to die {or not want to live, for that matter}... i wonder what he thought would happen after... anyway, the quote is so true... "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone."... so true, and yet, so many things wrong with the perspective)...

first off, no one can make you feel anything... at least for me, i choose how i feel based on the perspective from which i choose to look at things... i can choose to allow others and external things to influence my feelings, but control as in make me, no... my locus of control is internal... beyond that, end up with infers there is no way out and no matter what, as long as life continues, change is possible... can it seem tremendously challenging and seem impossible to change a relationship, lifestyle, or circumstance?... probably, but again it is perspective... and choice...

there are two levels of lonely... a lack of an awareness of being part of everything is a loneliness i do not understand because i have a clear awareness of being part of everything and wonder how can anyone feel alone when we are all part of everything...

the more physical momentary level of loneliness experienced in this life is not sharing with others... whether one a one to one intimate level or a group friendly sharing level, wanting more sharing than there is leaves the unfulfilled feeling we call loneliness... the essence of that level of loneliness is not being understood and accepted and that is a loneliness i do feel because no one takes the time to share enough to know me, no less actually share an understanding of me...

and that is the lonely i feel all the time, but more pronounced recently which means i want to share more and that brings us to who... who might understand me, really... i know no one in this life today who offers that promise... do you?...

sigh :}