old journals

i found the earliest entry found so far of the old online journal on the way back machine and who knows, there may even be more... that was 1999... maybe the 'next' links will work, even... that old journal was a daily escape until 2003... i was sometimes into deep babbling back then... sheesh, if you think i am whiney or depressed or negative now you would really be misreading me back them with all the torturous disappointments and traumatic cruelties and monstrous mistreatments and alabaster alliteration and such and such going on back then... yeah, the good old days when i still believed the one really existed and was not quite so cynical, aye?... what?... you think you know me?... are we laughing yet?...

ah, well... you really don't get me if you are not laughing... and if you are concerned about my emotional or psychological condition, well, thanks for caring, but you need to step back and take another look at the words cuz there is so much laughter (not the maniacal kind... usually lol lam) and peaceful smiling and secure happiness (and happy happy joy joy too) and strength of will that carries me through anything (but i so like playing helpless someone save my life tonight sometimes cuz i want to find someone stronger than me, but that's telling so shhhhh and ignore the giggles, m'ok?) and somewhere inside the dream of sharing everything with the one still lives even if i ignore it masterfully most of the time, but that's ok, everybody reads words through their own filters and understanding comes from individual personal experience like the talmud said (so to speak), We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are (even though many attribute the phrase to Anais Nin and others {maybe he knows}, for what it's worth) and whatever were we thinking thinking when we thought we might ever be able to share the exact same view, aye?...

oh those wonderful romantic dreams (and distractions), cha cha cha lol lam laa...

narf :)