dressed too warm

ok, so it was fifty degrees yesterday and i woke up cold several times through the night and now i realize that was due to dehydration from a caffeine hangover so i am way overdreassed for softball as it is in the mid seventies and i have two layers all over... being too lazy to take it all off and start again, it is a sweaty few hours ahead... jackson is at the fields already because she had a double header and i didn't wake up early enough and it really doesn't matter if i am there or not unless she needs something because she has her other softball friends there and would rather not be close to me, especially not in public, as i bring on guilt and shame and my current loneliness and down mood definitely adds to that so we are in a sad spiral of distraction and superficiality which depresses me and leaves me wondering why i stay in this world when there might be so much more somewhere else but not knowing leaves me here hoping, even if just a little now, that someone will come along and actually share everything...

of course it is partly my chosen perspective, but there is so little (or none) non-superficial evidence that i am wanted or appreciated on a personal basis these days, it's a sad time... sad thinking, aye?... jackson does the best she can, but she lives in distracted delusion ike most people so... it hurts her to face where she is in life and hurts her to face where i am in life and feels responsible for both (and she is, though i am responsible for allowing it) and does not know how to be real and honest without letting the guilt and shame overwhelm her to the point where she wants to break something or hurt herself so we don't get real much and don't get deep at all which is quite deeply miserable sad and self-destructive for me...

maybe that's why i dressed too warm (is it madness to be laughing right now?)...

narf...