and then there was none

whatever that means... none, as in no one around... none, as in no more sleep... none, as in answers to pertinent life questions such as what's it all about? and who cares? and no really, who cares?... the list goes on, but stopping there seems appropriate because i know there are a few people who care reading this blog now and then and that stops me from taking the next step because nobody cares is simply not true - it is simply the fact that that nobody is here that brings me to the title of this blog entry... alas and la la la (in other words, for what it's worth and whatever that means...

and even that requires correction because happiness is here, just a couple of feet away looking up at me as he falls back to sleep because he is so conditioned to sleep with jackson that he does not like sleeping alone so he doesn't go into her room to sleep when she is away so i sleep out in the living room, mostly cuz i don't want hair all over my room (he sheds lots) and my room is usually a mess and way too cluttered for him... so i do not actually experience the absolute solitude that might either drive me mad or drive me to confront the ultimate loneliness... so maybe that is why i procrastinate...

but then, truth be told, when i look at all the people i know and have known in this life and i consider who i want to be with in bed (using in bed to mean an intimate life partner and not just a sexual partner), the title comes to respond and then there was none... perhaps some who are not available to me at the moment might come close if they were available and we engaged in discussion, but the fact is... as much as i feel loneliness more profoundly (and painfully) than i have in almost two decades right now, i am alone because i do not want to be with anyone i currently know who might be available to share... and we (ok, i) come to this moment in which i realize that i have isolated myself so much, being so very independent, that there is not even someone available to talk to about it (these 4am moody blues, so to speak, as the song goes in a series of sideways references, maybe aye?)...

these are the thoughts that wake me at 4am...