sugar madness

so the past week or so i've piled on the sugar (when did i buy the frosting {or did i call it icing?} and cakes and cookies?... well, all gone now except for an unopened box of cookies that will hopefully remain closed for a month, at least, if not trashed... yes, the bloat has reached the 200 pound mark and i've got some 'splaining to do... well, not so much 'splaining, but definitely corrections... back to the lean protein and wean off the carbs... though there is plenty of easy pasta in the place, i must restrict carbs for a week or few, at least... the body is aching a bit from the increased exercise, though the exercise is minimal at the moment... that is another change that must come this week... last night in a steamy hot shower, the first in some time (not the first shower, the first steamy hot unrushed shower taken just for the heat and not just for cleaning the body) the answer came back again, the fact that i know the secrets of everything and i've simply stopped caring to actualize them so i present as an ordinary weak frail confused uncertain human... not good for my current chosen interactions, so maybe it is actually time for that change again...

sadly, i completely sabotaged myself with any medical tests i might take as the a1c level will be ridiculous as i undid six months of lowering it in the past week or two... the weight being at 200 again sabotages blood pressure and other things... dummy... suicidal dummy... but the taste buds and sugar zones in the brain are euphoric...

someone save my life tonight?...

narf :}