it's all a choice

just because i am depressed
does not mean i have to hurt myself

just because i am depressed
does not mean i have to die

just because i am depressed
i do not have to give up on everything

just because i am depressed
does not mean i have to commit suicide

but just because i know all this
does not mean i will choose wisely

alright, so it is time to accept the depression because it has become the dominant state of emotion, nudged over the edge or into dominance by the last betrayal... the physical signs are everywhere, the piles of laundry, the unchanged sheets, the hanging out at the max weight level, the eating for comfort much more than for health, the sitting around scraggly and moody and broody... the lethargy, apathy, procrastination, and all the subtle self-destructive choices... and yet, does it really show?...

anyone with their eyes open could see, but most people do not look at others with their eyes open... most people avoid the sad stuff... and i function... i am the one who makes the decisions, the boss at work with no peer (the isolation of the director or administrator, if you know what i mean)... the work gets done and everyone is taken care of, so unless someone truly pays attention, all they will see is some fatigue now and then... and away from work, i don't interact much... on the softball field, the moodiness shows, but it's easily written off as bitchiness or whatever... i don't go places anymore, saving money... the social groups i used to hang with a lot accept that i work 24/7 and am tired so i don't socialize... and jackson works more hours than i do is a master avoider, so she probably knows, but she blocks well... her guilt won't let her see... so nobody knows (you may think you do, but you are not really here, right?)...

the bottom line is, it is a choice... i can choose to sink deeper into oblivion and let go of life and get a clinical diagnosis and pills and spend my days and nights vegging with the tv and internet and eat comfort food and waste away until the heart or head explodes... i could choose that, but i don't... too stubborn to give up completely even when i've given up... too stubborn to stop helping others cuz it feels good and i can still choose to feel good... selfishness is not always a bad thing...

so what is this?... a confrontation?... an intervention?... a mockery of the process?... surely some mental illness must play a role in the thinking errors that lead to the unhealthy and careless and self-destructive decisions... so what to do, what to do?...

i took a hot shower... wrote the words in the lyrical portion of this entry above and came to more acceptance, decided it was time to accept, acknowledge, and see if that changes anything... i felt a bit of a commitment to change... felt the belly bursting... put the scale in the kitchen to confront me when i am indulging... skipped the chocolate trinity ice cream that is in the freezer (jackson bought it for me yesterday)... skipped dinner after eating slightly lights for lunch (veggie burgers)... took extra vitamin b... and i did much laundry... still a few loads to go, but work is coming in five or six hours and sleep is the most vital essential ingredient to clear, calm and healthy thinking and making the right choices for all of me (not just my taste buds and sorrows)... i did a few other things too, but i am sleeping now, almost... eyes closing, mind drifting, time for laying down... the bed is not clean yet, so the couch will do tonight...

yeah, it's a process and a choice, a choice and a process...

narf! :)