drained

and no incoming energy in site... yeah, i know, can't depend on anyone else, what matters is what comes from inside and there is no reason more energy can't be generated cuz it's all in the mind and it is just a choice... tonight, i just feel the aloneness and pointlessness and fatigue and unfortunately, because of life choices i've made to be less social than i have been in the past because i am just not getting the depth i want from anyone i've met in recent years and i am not in the mood for the pleasure of surface fun that i appreciate and enjoy when i am in the mood, i am sitting here grumpy alone in my depths where no one wants to go... at least no one i've met in this life... and while trying another life is an option, i like me and this life... even if nobody else wants to come into the depths with me... and even if there is someone out there with the same or similar enough to be compatible depths out there, i don't feel like going out there at the moment so i am here, alone, feeling like nobody cares enough to want to come inside... tonight i feel too giving and wanting just a little appreciation from outside of me... yeah, yeah, yeah, and you can always read the last entry if you're bored with all this self-indulgence by clicking here, but then you'd miss the magnificent next paragraph epitomizing the quintessential essence of everything, which may be no more than continued self-indulgence unless you are intelligent enough to be aware enough to be conscious of the facts of life, the truth, the whole truth, and hand to hold so help you everything, which includes me, of course...

fatigue, sure, but just settling down into myself and looking around and accepting that nobody in the physical world cares to visit me here... and i understand why, it's too deep too sensitive too intense too demanding too visceral too open too honest too free too fearless too dichotomous too egocentric too altruistic too silly too serious too irreverent too secure too chaotic too confident too insecure too infinite too real too balanced too unpredictable too literal too much... just being part of everything like everything (and everyone), but too consciously aware and able to let it all in and let it all go and let it all be knowing what that means... too unconcerned with what anyone thinks and too addicted to love and too independent and too trusting and too loving and too caring and too sharing and too what?... too curious?... too extreme... too many words... words... words... words... words... words... words... words... words...

when you get here, you can decide for yourself...