and the roller coaster ride just keeps on rolling

it's a roller coaster of emotion in this life, always has been, but for me, it's so many more highs than lows, even though the lows have bottomed out with betrayals of trust that stole everything i owned at least four times, once that literally left me on the street homeless with nothing but $4, jeans, a t-shirt, socks and sneakers and yet, even on days and nights of sleeping in parks or shelters, there were precious joys found inside and around me because that has been my ways as long as i can remember... it's just the perspective i chose when i was very young, simply, to me, a decision... be happy... enjoy myself... and maybe most of all, live in the moment cuz in most moments, there are amusements and wonders and beautiful things to be found... just have to be open to them and want t be happy, enjoy myself, and there they are...

that's why is is so challenging for me to understand how someone lets depression to overwhelm them so completely they see no way out but hurting themselves or someone else or worse, ending a life... and while my empathy can experience such depths of depression that i can curl up and give up on everything for a few days or longer, it just doesn't last because i find amusements in the simplest things within myself and this life experience... why anyone would give up that awareness so completely that they give up on life simply makes no sense to me... maybe it is because i usually can distinguish between rational and irrational thought and i never bought into the crutches and helplessness of accepting without question all the delusions and suicidal tendencies most humans seem to belief to be truth and right... and maybe it's as simple as no matter what, i know everything changes and at any moment, there is always hope of something good happening...

so sometimes all i can do is sigh when those i know and care about see no way out of their sadness and helplessness and hopelessness... hope is the last chance of possibilities... and maybe, in the end, it is simply that i choose a delusion in which there is always hope... always love... always something to smile about... no matter what happens, no matter what anyone says, for me, it has always be a choice...

i wish i knew someone who chose this too...

sigh...