slept about ten hours

if memory is accurate, i went to bed just before 11 and fell asleep shortly thereafter, woke at about 3am to pee and fell back to sleep within a half hour or so (rough estimate), woke again a little after 6am to pee again, fell back to sleep and then woke again about a little after 8am... so the two hour cycles were intact and that is why i am feeling refreshed this morning... on the other hand, being awake, i started cleaning the bathroom... and about halfway through a flood of the lonelies finally brought me here to write cuz this writing helps me believe i am not as alone as i feel...

stuff to do today that brings on the lonelies includes returning two phone calls (two numbers i do not know that could be jobs leads and could be sales pitches and could be wrong numbers and could be people i do not know or do know but just don't know their numbers... the baby wants a friend to hold his hand, aye?)... the reminder of pending no income in a few leads me to facing the current financial status of dropping from middle middle class to poverty level and the growing limits on social life and activities and opportunities drag me into a sad lonely place... also, cleaning the bathroom and other cleaning that prepares the space for a potential visitor leads me to realizing i am not visitor material inside even though i can fake it if opportunities arise but faking it sicks for me afterward... and this leads me to remember that the space i live in is already economy (imagine that, $850 a month without utilities is bottom economy around here... it doesn't help that i have more than $600 a month in utilities and other expenses not including food or gas/car/tolls, though cable tv and phone can be cut) and unless i get a job affording this will be tough saddens me when i know that i used to live in luxury and so many people snub economy/poverty... which leads me to laugh at myself for empowering the prejudice of class values and other people's superficial opinions... which leads me to feel even lonelier cuz i don't have a close friend nearby to laugh at me with me or to talk to (no less visit and hug) who understands the meaninglessness of superficial stuff, status, luxury stuff, and that the material world is not the measure of a person's worth no matter how much this culture puts down poverty in almost every way and brainwashes people into thinking $ = self-worth...

yeah, so all this leads me back to the long and winding road, alone, but much happier now that i remember that i do not want to be part of the superficial material world even if that means i am alone... so i sigh and go back to cleaning the bathroom now, alone, but laughing at the futility of living outside one's own head...

so how was your morning/day/evening so far? :)