musical memories

back to the unpacking and sorting and finding stuff boxes long ago and most of the experience, as usual, is like reuniting with an old friend (cuz i love memories) and even the bittersweet stings, like finding photos of three kids who i adopted in my heart who are no longer kids and if any of you (that includes all of you, even though i don't have pictures of all of you) are out there i hope you are building beautiful lives and i almost died physically trying to keep my promise physically but i realized i could be no help if i died physically so i stayed alive and kept my promise emotionally cuz i am still here loving you and would do anything i could for you if i could... and i hope you still know that...

the musical memories lead me to the most painful memories... the missing music... the pretending it's ok to deliberately do something to hurt someone... the pretending we forget the promises... smiley happy torture sucks... knowing the person doing it knows and lies and pretends and smiles as if words erase on-going actions... alas, the memories of the missing music does bring sadness because the promises continue, the lies continue, and the pretenses continue...

maybe tomorrow... there's always hope...

what was i like, musically, in this life?... i recorded the songs on the tapes, the music of my mind, the lyrics of my psyche, the trust... it would be nice to know myself again... and just maybe, trust someone that much again...

mercy... merci... narf :}